


Criminal Keyboards

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: CoWorkers to Friends to Lovers, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Pining, Rating May Change, Semi-Canon Compliant, Slow Burn, Tag As I Go, chat fic, no sexting, sensitive topics to be mentioned, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-09-16 22:49:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16962954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Garcia creates a team group chat, which along the way proves to be the most enriching experience of her life.





	1. garcia is bored & reid is dumb

**Author's Note:**

> with adhd and staying up late in concomitance with said adhd comes brash impulsivity which became this fic. inspired by my gf @laceytowers88’s perusal of a like billion chapter long chatfic from another fandom, of which she frequently ignores me in favour. -_-
> 
> simply, this is criminal minds in the form of texts. maybe I’ll do the whole series, maybe I won’t, but all I know is that it’ll be fun for me, and [to my knowledge] it hasn’t been done in this subsidiary before. on with it, now~
> 
> for the sake of this vomit I’m going to pretend modern memes & textual nomenclature existed in 2005-like 2012. also everybody is egregiously ooc - ah, who gives a shit, fuck disclaimers, this is all crack anyway

**PG** **started a new chat!**

 

 **PG** has named this chat **Bureau Squadron**

 

 **PG** added **Derek** **Morgan** , **JJ** , **Elle** , **Hotch** , and **Dr.** **Spencer** **Reid**

 

**_Today_ ** _10:49am_

 

 **PG:** Hi everyone!!!!

 

 **Hotch:** Garcia, what is this?

 

 **PG:** Why, my liege, it’s a group chat. One thine devoted thrall created out of sheer boredom.

 

 **Hotch:** Garcia, we’re in the middle of a case.

 

 **PG:** It gets lonely in my cave of computer concessions. :(

 

 **Hotch:** -_-

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hotch I literally never ever want to see you use an emoticon ever again. Its....... odd for you

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Morgan, there should be a comma after ‘Hotch’, you should not be using “literally” figuratively, there should be a comma after said figure of speech, as well as between ‘never’ and ‘ever’, an apostrophe in the contraction “it’s”, and a period at the end of your sentence. Also, that overabundance of ellipses isn't necessary.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Sorry, it’s just a bother of mine.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** YOU’RE a bother, Reid.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** There, I used your perfect grammar. Happy now?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Umm... sure.

 

* * *

**Elle, JJ**

 

_**Today**  11:13am_

 

 **PG:** Oh my God.

 

 **Elle:** lord, have mercy.

 

 **JJ:** Ugh, Spence, that’s not the way to go, this is so embarrassing...

 

 **Elle:** should we make a second chat consisting of us but we add him to it too and give him tips?

 **Elle:** before he embarrasses himself in front of his potential boyfriend further.

 

 **JJ:** Yeah that sounds like a good idea, let’s do it

 

 **PG:** I am a mother hen on her way to rescue her naive, precarious fowl

* * *

**Bureau Squadron**

 

_**Today**  11:17am_

 

 **Hotch:** Moving on... on second thought, I think I may like this group chatting idea.

 **Hotch:** Think about it; it gives us an outlet to vent privately about incompetent task forces without being reprimanded, and we could also discuss aspects of UnSubs without risking someone contacting the media out of spite or boredom. 

 **Hotch:** I’m in.

 

 **PG:** That declaration makes you sound like one of those stereotypical TV hackers. Which is funny, ‘cause I’m the hacker. Muahaha!

* * *

**PG started a new chat!**

 

 **PG** added **Elle, JJ, and Dr. Spencer Reid**

 

_**Today**  11:21am_

 

 **PG:** Reid, I’m sorry, but what the hell was that?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What do you mean?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Also, why am I here?

 

 **PG:** Honey, you can’t win a guy over by correcting his grammar! That sort of thing would drive him away instead. Grandiosity isn’t on anybody’s radar!

 

 **PG:** ...Scratch that; perhaps it is on some drag queens’ gaydars...

 

 **Elle:** ngl reid that was really pretentious

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ‘Gaydar’? ‘Ngl’? Also, I don’t know what you mean by “winning him over”. In addendum, I would hardly classify it as being grandiose; I was just vocalizing a personal irritant of mine.

 

 **Elle:** ngl means not gonna lie and gaydar is us being able to see your feelings towards morgan even without the raging obviousness you’re emanating.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don’t ‘feel’ anything towards Morgan besides mannerly collegiality.

 

 **PG:** Reid, honey, I’m here, I’m queer, and crystal clear, and I can tell you have the scorching hots for Morgan. You may be the bomb at counting cards in Sin City, but when it comes to this, your tell is radiant.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Why are you referring to yourself with a historically homophobic slur?

 

 **PG:** Reclamation and empowerment. Kinda like how women call themselves bitches. Don’t deflect.

 

 **JJ:** Okay Spence, even if you don’t have any romantic feelings for Morgan, the grammar thing is a sure fire way to encourage him to not be your friend at least. Why did you even do that?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ... 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I didn’t know what to contribute to the conversation. I admit it. I’m sorry.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I sort of... panicked.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm sorry.

 

 **Elle:** well that’s why you’re here, we’re going to teach you conversational skills and far better approaches

 

 **JJ:**  hey, there's no need to apologize, Spence

 

 **PG:** Yeah, and who knows, maybe some other clownfish will scoop you up in the deep blue sea if it’s not almighty King Triton! ;)

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Uh... thanks for that, Garcia.

 

 **Elle:** we’re here for you, reid, no matter what. just know that

 **Elle:** whatever you do/say, we won’t give you a hard time

 

 **JJ:** Yeah, just try not to sound so pedantic next time

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’ll try...

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...By the way: what does 'muahaha' mean?

 

 **Elle:** oh boy

* * *

  **Bureau Squadron**

 

_**Today**  11:34am_

 

 **Elle:** i wonder what it would be like if gideon were in this chat

 

 **PG:** Gideon still owns a pager. I cannot envisage it

 

 **JJ:** Would he even know how a smartphone _works?_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hes so old, I’m surprised he doesn’t have a telegraph.

 

 **Elle:** you’re old too, arnold schwarzenegger

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I’m 32 >:( But I’ll ignore that in favour of the compliment you just gave me

 

 **Hotch:** I’d hate to interrupt the banter, but we’ve been at this for about fifty minutes and we need to finish building up the profile.

 **Hotch:** We don’t need these investigators further validating their belief that we’re charlatans by noticing we’re all texting instead of working, so let’s put our phones down for the time being.

 

 **PG:** Yessiree, boss man!


	2. Roasting Reid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> morgan and reid STRAIGHTEN (hahahaha ;]) things out + the bau babes take spencer under their wing and introduce him to the land of memes and honey. and roasts.
> 
>   ~~strikethrough~~ messages denote unsent messages  
> also trigger warning for the shota/loli mention maybe

**Bureau** **Squadron**

 _Today_   _3:29pm_

 

 **Hotch:**  *sigh* I'm pretty sure that cop just gave Gideon and I hernias. Every single time he made an idiotic comment, we were looking at each other wondering who dropped him by his head as a child and how hard they'd done it.

 

 **JJ:** Welcome to the club.

**Bureau Squadron**

_Today 6:12pm_

 

 **PG:** ...Is it wrong for me to equate this UnSub's face to a meme?

 

 **Elle:** not at all.

 

 **PG:** Like... crazy psycho killer aside, this dude is CLEARLY meme-material

* * *

  **Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 12:57am_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hey Reid

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Why are you texting me when you’re sitting one yard away from me?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Don't wanna wake up Hotch by talking out loud

 **Derek Morgan:** anyway yo deadass man that unsub was crazy

 **Derek Morgan:** Like one of the craziest we've had in a while

 **Derek Morgan** : I never want to experience anything like that again

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm sorry, "deadass"?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It means seriously/not kidding/etc. Brooklyn slang

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You're from Chicago.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Chicago walked so Brooklyn could run

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't know what that means.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** And I don't know why you're a Vegas boy that chose to work for the FBI instead of making millions being a professional gambler

 **Derek Morgan:** With your genius and all

 **Derek Morgan:** So I guess we're even

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't... like taking other people's hard-earned money from them.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** So you'd prefer to lose money instead?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No, of course not.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I started gambling because I really needed the money. It turned into fun, getting a thrill out of cheating arrogant, burly guys who could have easily beaten me up out of their winnings, but I started to feel amoral and my empathy for others - even the burly men - increased, so I stopped doing it.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I joined the FBI primarily because I... want to help people. I want... to provide others with the safety and security that I never had.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** That’s... very admirable of you, Reid

 **Derek Morgan:**  As much as it's gonna kill ‘ya one day.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Uh... thanks. Can’t wait for that.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So, why did you choose to work for the FBI?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Eh, I was a cop in Chi Town and I wanted to retain that luster with something... bigger. Better. I have a law degree, but getting that for me was more collateral if anything. I couldnt visualize myself as a lawyer really. I was in the bomb squad and I was going to go for SWAT but the FBI came along and... Idk, they seemed like the perfect fit to me.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _~~You're holding something back. I can tell.~~_

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** That's... nice. I hope you're enjoying it here.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ha, you too kid.

* * *

 

**PG, JJ, Elle**

_Today 1:06am_

 

 **Elle:** morgan and reid are both smiling at their phones so i’m assuming they’re texting each other

 

 **PG:** Aww <3 I love my baby boys

 

 **JJ:** Guys, I don’t know... isn’t this sort of weird? We’re all pushing 30 and we’re gushing over a guy who’s like, ten years younger than us and fantasizing about a relationship that’s nonexistent between our coworkers

 **JJ:** Not to mention, we’re FBI agents. I think we should just be professional and leave it alone. I don’t want to make Spence uncomfortable.

 

 **Elle:** yeah i like joking around as much as the next bitch but i agree with jj

 **Elle:** for all we know spencer could actually be straight and he and morgan could just be really close friends. he has a personal life just like the rest of us do and we shouldn’t force him to air it out for the sake of inputting something that’s not there

 **Elle:** in penelope’s defense tho i’m sure he knows we’re just fucking with him

 **Elle:** but yeah we should probably back off unless spencer is okay with us prying 

* * *

 

**PG, Dr. Spencer Reid, Elle, JJ**

_Today 1:13am_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don’t think he’s mad at me over the grammar thing.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m afraid to ask, though, in case he does recall it and resultantly becomes mad.

 

 **Elle:** it doesn’t hurt to ask

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Okay.

* * *

**Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 1:15am_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Hey, I’m... sorry for the whole ‘getting up in arms about your syntax’ thing earlier.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It’s fine, Reid. I’m not mad.

 **Derek Morgan:** I know thats one of your little genius idiosyncrasies that you can’t help and I’m not going to be angry at you over that

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Thank you?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Please don’t use ‘literally’ figuratively ever again, though. I mean it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hahaha I wont. Promise.

* * *

 

**PG, Dr. Spencer Reid, Elle, JJ**

_Today 1:19am_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** He’s not mad, but I don’t really know what this message means.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _“I know thats one of your little genius idiosyncrasies that you can’t help and I’m not going to be angry at you over that”_

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What does he mean by my genius idiosyncrasies that I can't help?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I feel like it’s passive-aggressive, but I don’t know. I can never tell with him.

 

 **JJ:** Don’t fret, spence. He probably meant it harmlessly. If he had a problem with you, he’d tell you upfront.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I guess you’re right. I suppose I’ll just drop the matter.

 

 **PG:** Courteous subject change. I’ve been real obsessed with horoscopes and all that shiznizz lately. Birthdays, everyone, go!

 

 **Elle:** june 24

 

 **JJ:** July 22

 

 **PG:** July 7

 **PG:** Eeeep, we’re all Cancers!!! Yes!!!

 

 **JJ:** Woohoo!

 **JJ:** Spence, what about you? When’s your birthday?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...October 28th.

 

 **JJ:** *DRAMATIC GASP*

 

 **Elle:** for as long as i’ve known him, i would have never imagined the omniscient spencer reid would be a scorpio

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What did you assume I was?

 

 **Elle:** a virgo??? i dunno.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Sigh... because Virgo is Latin for ‘virgin’, I presume?

 

 **Elle:** ...no??? i dont know  _that much_ about horoscopes haha i just think you’d make a better virgo or something pretty much

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Okay, I guess.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I’m not omniscient.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Nor am I a virgin.

 

 **Elle:** uh, sorry for assuming 

* * *

 

**PG, JJ, Elle**

_Today 1:27am_

 

 **Elle:** ........is he okay?

 **Elle:** i don’t even mean that meanly, im genuinely wondering if hes alright

 

 **JJ:** Can we not do this? I’m not comfortable talking about him behind his back

 

 **Elle:** that’s fine

 **Elle:** i don’t know him as well as you guys do, so

* * *

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid, Elle, JJ, PG**

_Today 1:30am_

 

 **PG:** Reid, you’re a fellow water sign!! Yay!!! I hereby decree this new chat name “Water Sign Squad”!

 

 **Elle:** make it ‘aquasquad’ instead, that sounds better

 **Elle:** or if you wanna go spanish mode, ‘aguasquad’

 

 **PG:** Oooh, I like AquaSquad!!

 **PG** has named this chat **AquaSquad**

 

 **PG:** My Spanish is terrible. I sound like an injured parakeet trying to speak it.

 

 **Elle:** are you hispanic?

 

 **PG:** Nope! ‘Garcia’ comes from my late stepdad, babycakes. I’m so white I might as well audition to be the next Phantom Of The Opera.

 

 **Elle:** lmao, cool. well, i’m half cuban and half italian so im pretty fluent

 **Elle:** fr idk where on earth “greenaway” came from shouldnt my dads last name have been Greenolini or something

 

 **PG:** Nice! *thumbs up*

 

 **JJ:** I hail from Pennsylvania but my whole family’s Canadian. Hence the name Jareau.

 

 **PG:** That’s great! Land of snow and maple syrup ahoy!

 **PG:** ...Or is it maple leaves?

 **PG:** ...Reid?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Maple in general.

 

 **JJ:** Ha. Know what your ancestry is, Spence?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No, I have no idea.

 

 **PG:** Have you ever tried getting a DNA test to find out?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m not really interested in doing that.

 

 **JJ:** ‘Spencer’s’ a British name or something, right? I remember reading about Winston Churchill’s actual name being Spencer or w/e

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** It has its roots in England. The earliest known use of the name ‘Spencer’ was prominent landholderand Lord of Scryelsby Robert d'Abitot being nicknamed ‘le Despenser’ which is where the word ‘dispenser’ comes fro–

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...You don’t care. I’m sorry.

 

 **PG:** No Reid we do care!! Absolutely!!

 

 **Elle:** yeah its actually pretty cool that you know all of these facts that i never paid attention to in high school

 **Elle:** 16 year old me wouldve considered you my hero honestly

 

 **JJ:** I agree. For me, it’s... comforting

 **JJ:** Like its something for me to take my mind off of from all the carnage we see every day

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m glad it makes you feel better, then, JJ.

 

 **PG:** Yeah, you shouldn’t have to silence yourself!! Be free, my bespectacled crustacean~

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...What?

 

 **PG:** It’s a meme.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** A _what?_

 

 **JJ:** *sigh* oh my god...

 

 **Elle:** spencer youre like 19 how tf do you not know what memes are

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m 23...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** And I don’t know... maybe because I don’t have that many friends who can teach me things?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I’m not exactly adept at socializing or picking up cues.

 

 **PG:** Well, that’s what we’re here for, sugarplum! We’re your self-appointed new wingladies!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** That’s... great, I suppose.

 

 **PG:** Yup! We're gonna help you through all your troubles~

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** *sigh* ...Can you just _please_ explain why you called me the taxonomical term for either a crab, a shrimp, or a lobster?

 

 **PG:** Let me find the picture

**PG:**

 

 **Elle:** LMAO

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I’m concerned.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Both for Elle’s backside and for the possibility that whomever uploaded this photo presumably ate those crabs after they’d just been on the ground, which is horrifically unsanitary.

 

 **Elle:** oh god reid don't analyze memes please just let them be

 

 **PG:** You're not commenting on the fact they called themselves the Crab Lord?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No, I'm not going to bother.

 

 **JJ:** Spence, did I ever tell you how much of an angel you are?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No.

 

 **Elle:** okay first task as honourary wingwomen: making sure spencer knows how to distinguish jokes from serious remarks

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Wow, thanks. That means so much.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I know how to be sarcastic too, you know.

 

 **JJ:** Aw, look at that, you're learning <3

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  You guys are difficult.

 

 **Elle:** deal with it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm going to admit.. I want to see another meme. I’m intrigued.

 

 **PG:**  Atta boy!!!!

 

 **JJ:** Oh, this’ll go on all night

* * *

**PG, Hotch**

_Today 4:46am_

 

 **PG:** Soooo, just a teensy forewarning, the girls and I stayed up all night after the jet sending Spencer memes so if we’re tired and prickly in, like, three hours, that’s why

 

 **Hotch:** Garcia, this text woke me, and resultantly Haley, up.

 

 **PG:** Sorry, Chief.

 

 **Hotch:**  She just entangled her legs around mine because she doesn't want me to go to work and she's emphasizing the pressure so much that it's cutting off my blood circulation, so, thanks for that.

 

 **PG:** Aw, that's so cute I'm not even going to apologize <3

 **PG:**  Speaking of cute, Gideon sent me flowers. Should I return the favour by buying him a new phone and teaching him how to text??

 

 **Hotch:** ~~_I sent those flowers, not Gideon._~~

 **Hotch:** ...Sure, why not.

 **Hotch:** ~~_Anything to get me back to sleep for another fifteen minutes._~~

* * *

  **Bureau**   **Squadron**

 _Today_   _10:14am_

 

 **PG:** So The Gidsmeister was pretty surprised when I showed up on his doorstep at 6am with a new phone and prepaid plan in my hands

 

 **Hotch:**  You're always so wholesome, Garcia.

 

 **Elle:** penelope i literally never want to hear you call gideon that name ever again

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Watch it with the literalism, L, Reid's going to see that message and chew you out for it. Then spit you out onto the pavement.

 

 **Elle:** man i can cut his skinny ass in half just by _breathing_. he wont do shit

 **Elle:** wait a minute did you just call me L

 **Elle:** like the guy from fucking death note

 

 **PG:** OMG you know Death Note?!

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Oh dont tell me Elle Greenaway is an anime nerd

 

 **Elle:** IM NOT

 **Elle:** ive only heard of it from like 20 year old otakus ive never read or seen it or whatever

 

 **PG:** If you're ~ _soooo_ not a nerd~ then why do you know what an otaku is

 

 **Elle:** when i worked in sex crimes i busted so many creeps that were like that and it got to such a point that i spent hours researching what it was

 **Elle:** i sadly also know what lolicon and shotacon are

 

 **PG:** Hey Reid if you're reading the chat right now DO NOT GOOGLE WHAT THAT IS!!! I beg you!!!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Too late. I'm promptly and thoroughly repulsed.

 

 **Elle:** told ya

 

 **Hotch:** I'm simultaneously regretful and thankful that I greenlit this group chat idea.

 

 **PG:** You're welcome. Subjecté changé with a side of mémés, anyone?

 

 **Elle:** sure thing anything to get our minds off the sick fuckery in this world for five seconds maybe

 **Elle:** cause we literally specialize in dealing with sick fucks

 

 **PG:** Comin' right up!

 **PG:** Hotch, what's your zodiac sign?

 

 **Hotch:** Scorpio. Why?

 

 **Elle:** lmao reid's a scorpio too

 **Elle:** you fit it more than he does tbh

 

 **PG:** You wanna be added to Aqua Squad then???

 

 **Hotch:** Added to _what?_

 

 **Elle:** it's a group chat comprised of water signs

 **Elle:** penny, jenny, and i are all in it since the three of us are cancers & so's spenny the scorpio

 

 **JJ:** I just came online to say never call me Jenny again

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ^ Seconded. 'Spenny' made me recoil into oblivion, please don't subject me to that, ever.

 

 **Elle:** that's what you guys get for the misfortune of having been born with the 'en' sound in your names ‾\\_(ツ)_/‾

 

 **PG:** Hey, guys, I actually like Penny >:(

 

 **JJ:** Ellenny

 

 **Elle:** that would've been clever if elle was short for ellen

 **Elle:** but its not

 

 **Derek Morgan:** What is Elle short for?

 

 **Elle:** nothing

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Garcia pull up her file I think she's bullshitting

 

 **Elle:** IT'S LEGITIMATELY NOT SHORT FOR ANYTHING

 

 **PG:** She's telling the truth. Let me guess, your parents were suuuuper bored after your birth?

 

 **Elle:** ha, jokes on you bitch, my parents are dead

 

 **PG:**

 

 **Elle:** nah im joking its only my dad thats dead

 **Elle:** he was a cop and killed in the line of duty

 

 **Derek Morgan:**

 

 **PG:** Well my parents died in a car accident so still same hat

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Is this 'depressing childhood trauma revelations' hour

 

 **Elle:** nah it's bored-texting-bc-hotch-finessed-a-week-off-for-the-entire-team-from-strauss hour

 **Elle:** like i said last night i wouldn't want anybody to reveal sensitive truths about themselves unless they felt comfortable enough to and were doing so of their own volition

 **Elle:** anyways speaking of which, hotch, how pissed off was she

 

 **Hotch:** At most, she exercised moderate irritation. But I was able to get her to acquiesce simply because I asserted to her the rationality that our exhaustion over how brutal the last case was did warrant an appropriate break for us. 

 

 **PG:** Ah, sweet, sweet subterfuge via savoir faire

 

 **Elle:** nice alliteration, reid would be proud

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I am.

 

 **Elle:** anyway hotch you wanna join aquasquad or not

 

 **Hotch:** No.

 

 **Elle:** suit yourself

 **Elle:** ...aaronny

 

 **Hotch:** I'm going to delete your number.

 

 **Elle:** ooh im so scared big scary boss man‾\\_(ツ)_/‾

 

 **JJ:** Elle's been here like two weeks and she's already the best member of the team I'm crying

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Are you okay, JJ?

 

 **JJ:** I'm not literally crying, Spence.

 **JJ:** You know when you laugh so hard you shed tears and/or your laughs sound like sobs? Yeah, that

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid, commend her for using 'literally' correctly

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I've learned my lesson, okay? I won't get on your ass for figuratively saying 'literally' anymore.

 

 **PG:** ...

 

 **JJ:** ...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...

 

 **Elle:** ...

 **Elle:**  ...did reid just cuss

 

 **PG:** I KNOW!

 **PG:** Hold the phone, unsubs around the world, because Spencer Reid's committed the biggest character crime of all!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You guys are ridiculous. 'Ass' is such a menial swear word, it shouldn't even be classified as a swear, to be frank. It's also the technical term for a donkey; how do you know I wasn't just calling Morgan a donkey?

 

 **Elle:**  well if you were saying it like that you would've technically said you were getting on morgan's donkey instead of getting on morgan himself. context clues

 **Elle:** see, we just used your linguistic pedantry against you. take that, spenny

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ohhh Reid you just got OWNED LMAOOO

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You're all terrible.

 

 **Elle:** aw thank you <3

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Anyway, it's not like I said the F word. Why are you all so shocked?

 

 **Elle:** we're exaggerating for dramatic effect but it's because we've never heard you swear once

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** That's because I see no reason to do it within a professional setting...?

 

 **Elle:** reid youre a grown ass man who just unironically said "the f word" i think its beyond professional courtesy

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't know how to respond to that, to be honest.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Why dont ya like swearing Reid? Were you raised Christian?

 

 **Elle:** hes from lost wages but theres like a billion mormons there, of course he was

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Actually, there are exactly 247,839 Mormons in Las Vegas.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  And for your information, no, I wasn't. I was raised agnostic. Swearing just... doesn't cross my mind, no matter what the situation. That's all there is, and there's nothing to make out of it, nor is there such necessitation.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Aight then

 

 **Elle:**  tbh im surprised hotch hasnt chewed any of us out for swearing in this chat yet

 

 **Hotch:** I'd be a hypocrite if I did that; I swear all the time. We all have our sins. Plus, like Reid said, it's not as if we can do it out loud.

 

 **JJ:** So that means you're officially on board with the group chat, then?

 

 **PG:** *murmurs under breath* Even if you don't wanna be in Aqua Squad?

 

 **Hotch:** Yes, and yes.

 **Hotch:** ...Not to mention, watching you all tease Reid is incredibly amusing.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Hey! >:(

 

 **Hotch:** ;)

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm turning my phone off so that I don't have to deal with this anymore. Salutations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have morgan type like shemar but I decided that's too fucking painful also I bullshitted that vegas mormons statistic if you couldn't tell
> 
> regarding reid not knowing shit about memes: my girlfriend deadass didn’t know what memes were until a few months ago and she's 19. it was Such a nightmare educating her. and she's the splitting image of spencer imo


	3. LET REID SAY FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comeuppances are acquired, fights are gotten into, and secrets are revealed

**PG, JJ, Elle**

**PG** has named this chat **The Girlies!!**

_Today 3:38pm_

 

 **JJ:** Ugh, that name's stupid, can you please change it to something else?

 

 **PG:**

 

 **Elle:** lol garcia has a meme for everything. i love it

 

 **PG:** You bet your spicy ass I do

 **PG:** Anyways, ladies, I wanna get revenge on Hotch

 

 **JJ:** Why? Because he didn't want to join us Aquas?

 

 **PG:** No, although I am a little hurt by that

 **PG:** I think he was behind the flowers I supposedly received from Gideon

 **PG:** Because when I showed up on Gideon's doorstep _**per Hotch's advice** with a phone that cost almost $200 to buy with a $40/mo plan_, he wanted to know what the hell I was talking about when I said they were a thank-you gift for the flowers

 **PG:** And he suggested that Hotch might've sent them in his name

 

 **Elle:** maybe gideon forgot he sent them??? that last case did have all our heads spinning

 **Elle:** not to mention how late we stayed up, i could barely remember my own name this morning

 **Elle:** or maybe hotch was scared to give them to you himself lmfaoooo

 

 **PG:** _Scared??_ **_Aaron Hotchner???_** Elle I'm sorry but it's comments like those that make me remember you're a newbie

 

 **JJ:** Yeah, Hotch doesn't get scared lol he makes _other people_ get scared

 

 **Elle:** he doesn't scare me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

 **JJ:** That's because you haven't incurred his wrath yet. An angry-as-hell Aaron Hotchner isn't something you want to breathe within the same vicinity of

 

 **PG:** He's sure as hell going to incur MY wrath because I do _ **not**_ like being lied to and made to look like a fool and having to unjustly spend my money from the goodness of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **Elle:** lmao damn penelope i think youre scarier than hotch no wonder you're named after the goddess of spring and the queen of the underworld at the same time

 

 **JJ:** That was Persephone, Elle

 

 **Elle:** agh, dammit. well, i told you (technically, i told reid) i bullshitted my way through high school. its a miracle i graduated tbh

 **Elle:** speaking of reid why aren't we talking about this in aquasquad don't you want him to know about this too

 

 **PG:** As much as I love Reid, I don't think he'd be for the thing I have planned

 **PG:** Like I think he'd be staunchly against it

 

 **Elle:** lmao what do you have planned

 **Elle:** also i shouldnt have brought up spencer at all jj said shes uncomfortable talking about him when hes not here

 

 **JJ:** I don't mind talking about Spence, like of course, there's certain things that I can't tell him/that he won't understand that I can tell _you guys_ , but what I mean is that I don't want us making fun of him or speculating about his private life as if he's not a human being just like the rest of us.

 **JJ:** From the little he's told me about his childhood, he doesn't have many friends and he doesn't really trust people, and I don't want to be a contributing factor to that.

 **JJ:** Also, Penelope, if your plan involves physically inflicting harm on Hotch, then, yes, Spence is VEHEMENTLY against that.

 

 **PG:** Oh my god no!!! He has to know I would never go that far :( I was just thinking I could exchange the man's coffee with coke and snidely slip mentos into it so it'd explode all over his suit

 

 **Elle:** okay LMFAOOOO thats fucking hilarious im on board

 

 **JJ:** Yeah, I'll admit, that's funny. I'll ask Spence how he feels about it when he turns his phone back on

 

 **Elle:** what if it's not actually off and he just said that for dramatic effect

 **Elle:** damn then we're depriving him of evil plan formation for no reason smh

 

 **JJ:** No, trust me, it's off. When he doesn't use his phone, he enmeshes himself in books. But he reads so darn fast he'll literally plow through like 200 books in an hour

 **JJ:** Maybe more

 

 **Elle:** ...jesus christ

 **Elle:** how is this man human again

 

 **JJ:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

 **Elle:** wait

 

 **JJ:** ?

 

 **Elle:** how do you know conclusively they were from hotch tho garcia

 **Elle:** like as much as id LOVE to see a coffee explode, you shouldnt potentially jeopardize your job based off an offhanded assumption that gideon made

 **Elle:** for all you know they could be from spencer or from derek he's always calling you 'baby girl' & shit

 **Elle:** hell they could even be from me or jj or, again, actually from gideon and hes just lying for whatever reason. either way, its a false dilemma to the core and its something you should evaluate before you do something youll regret

 

 **JJ:** Honestly Elle's right

 **JJ:**  (I didn't send the flowers tho, just to disclaim)

 

 **PG:** Grrr, I hate when there are reasonable, non-impulsive people in my chatrooms >:(

 **PG:** I won't eliminate the possibility of it being Reid, or Gideon being a lying bastard, but it's sure as hell not Derek I can say that for sure

 **PG:** Derek wouldn't anonymously send me flowers, he wouldn't send me flowers at all. Neither would you, I can proudly admit that the two of you are too bold for that.

 

 **Elle:** hey thats pretty good

 **Elle:** how come youre not a profiler

 

 **PG:** Honey, I can't profile a tangerine from an orange. It's just not me!

 **PG:** And I can't deal with looking at all those icky pictures of gore ever-so-graciously gifted to us by the menaces of the world for more than three seconds. I don't know how you guys can do it

 

 **Elle:** well combining my experience working at sex crimes and svu plus the fact that i've personally Been Thru Some Shit, i guess i'm just... more used to the brutalities of the world than most people

 

 **JJ:** ...Same hat

 

 **PG:** I admire you guys a great deal and commend your braveries, but that is exactly why I am perfectly content cooped up in my tech haven of screens interspersed with stuffies. No bloodspattered dungeons and big scary guns for this gal.

 

 **Elle:** ok how/why did you become an agent anyways im just curious

 **Elle:** like no offense but i would've pegged you to be a kindergarten teacher or something

 

 **PG:** Oh, buttercup, that is a _long_ story in which should I attempt to take you downward, your new name would be Dorothy Gale. And I indeed do take offense to kindergarten teacher bc kids are wrangly monsters >:(

 

 **JJ:** Yeah it's pretty hilarious lol not even Spence nor Morgan know the full story

 

 **Elle:** dammit i hate being the newbie im not eligible for that Juicy Gossip

 **Elle:** also tbh i like kids, quarrelsome or not, and id like to have a few of my own someday. im an only child i wouldve liked to have a younger sibling to take care of

 

 **JJ:** ~~_I would've liked to have an older sibling to take care of **me** but I don't anymore_~~

 **JJ:** You'll soon be, I promise

 **JJ:** Both gossip-qualified and a mother

 

 **Elle:** thank you!

 

 **PG:** Elle, you'll get my Mysterious Backstory later!! Right now I'm just trying t

 **PG:** ...

 **PG:** ...

 **PG:** ...

 **PG:** OH

 **PG:** MY

 **PG:** GOD

 

 **JJ:** WHAT

 

 **Elle:** WHAT

 

 **PG:** I FOUND SOMETHING ** _INFINITELY BETTER THAN_** MENTOS IN COKE DISGUISED AS COFFEE

 **PG:** GET READY GIRLS MY PLAN IS OFFICIALLY GOING UNDERWAY

* * *

**Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 4:34pm_

 

 

 **Derek Morgan:** What's crackin' pretty Ricky

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I don't know what that nickname is supposed to mean, but, as for your inquiry: not much so far.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It means you're good lookin', Reid

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm inclined to disagree.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Well I'm inclined to disagree with your disagreement.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm below average.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid, we can argue about this all day if we have to

 **Derek Morgan:** The whole week perhaps, thanks to Hotch

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** We can just amicably agree to disagree.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Agree to disagree to disagree

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Why do I talk to you again?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Bc I've had your back since the very day your metaphorical and literal smart-ass first came to this dump and you know it

 **Derek Morgan:** You should be grateful.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yes, thank you for being the decent, archetypal jock towards the nerd.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ouch. To be fair I'm a nerd too

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No, you're not.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** *sigh* Wow, Reid, you're such a shitty profiler. How did you even make it to the BAU?

 **Derek Morgan:** I'm only kidding. But for the record I am a nerd, I'm just very good at hiding it.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Oh, really? Name some of your nerdy interests, then.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** *sigh again* Fine.

 **Derek Morgan:** Vonnegut books, comics, Star Trek, metal music, and I've had phases where I was heavily into both aviation and architecture. I still sort of am into architecture.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Not much, okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What kind of comics?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** DC

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Who do you think would win: Batman or Superman?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Batman. Period.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Really?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Because, logically, it would make far more sense for Superman to win.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...Oh my fucking god Reid

 **Derek Morgan:** We are not doing this

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** We absolutely _are_ doing it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I am NOT engaging in a nerd battle with you. Over my dead body

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** In that case, I'll be hovered over the grave containing your dead body insisting that Superman is superior in every which way.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Why would you monologue over someone's grave, weirdo? Let their family members grieve in peace smfh

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** "Smfh"?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** *sigh*

 **Derek Morgan:** Shaking my freaking head

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Oh, come on, really?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Euphemizing things for my sake is just insulting (not to mention, infantile).

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm an adult, Morgan. I CAN CUSS. I just never do it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Okay. Say "fuck".

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Fuck.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Say it out loud.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  Loudly. In front of Hotch and Gideon next Monday.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm _not_ going to do that.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid if it means proving you're not a pussy you'll do it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I can definitely prove that I'm neither a cat nor the colloquialism for a woman's genitals. As for being pusillanimous: I'm not. I just don't see the need to be unnecessarily vulgar in front of my coworkers.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Lets bet on it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** You swear at least five times over the next week and if I win youll........... have to do my paperwork for a month straight

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I already do that without a bet in place. -_-

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I wasn't finished. You'll have to do _everyones_. Your own, Mine, Garcia's, JJ's, Elle's and perhaps Gideon's if he'd allow it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Ugh, fine. Only because I don't back down from challenges.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** And if I win?

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  Then I'll have to do everyone's paperwork. And I'll......

 **Derek Morgan** : ...

 **Derek Morgan:** ...I'll wear a cowboy suit on every case we get called into for a week straight. Hat & all.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Oh, the _turns_ my head just made at that image. _Bring it on._

* * *

 

**Bureau Squadron**

_Today 5:16pm_

 

 **PG:** Guys, I'm still confused. Why would Gideon send me flowers if he's just going to deny he sent them later?

 

 **JJ:** Maybe he just wanted to be discreet? Maybe he's not _too_  egotistical?

 

 **Hotch:** Gideon isn't that egotistical. I mean, sure, he can be a bit over his head at times.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Maybe he's got a 'lil crush on ya, baby girl. Garcia and Gideon sittin' in a tree

 

 **PG:** Derek, I will boot you out of here faster than my computer so help me if you ever say that again. He's, like, twice my age; I don't wanna think about that. Ew.

 **PG:** Anyways, it's just weird.

 **PG:** He appreciated the phone, though. I may add him to this group chat once I've educated him on the spheres of internet chatter thoroughly

 

 **Hotch:** ...

 **Hotch:** Garcia?

 

 **PG:** Hm?

 

 **Hotch:** Are you... sure they were from Gideon?

 

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:** As sure as you look to be in these photos, old man.

 

 **Elle:** _**OH MY GOD**_

 

 **JJ:** _**HOTCH??????**_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _**HOLY SHIT**_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid it hasn't even been 30 minutes lmaoooo I cannot believe this

 **Derek Morgan:**  One down, four more to go. Face it kid Im gonna win this bet

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** FORGET THE BET FOR JUST ONE SECOND, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SAY _ANYTHING_ REGARDING THOSE IMAGES???

 

 **Hotch:**  ...What bet?

 **Hotch:** ...I knew recruiting a professional criminal hacker was a mistake. *sigh* Garcia, where did you find those, and _why?_

 

 **PG:**  No, Hotch, _I_ want to know _why_ you couldn't just give me those flowers yourself.

 **PG:**  Why'd you have to make both me and Gideon look like fools??

 

 **Hotch:** *sigh* I sent them to you because I thought Gideon had been rather harsh toward you lately. It was to give you a little positive reinforcement, and hopefully make Gideon see that he needs to be a little more considerate of other people's feelings.

 **Hotch:** I'm sorry you had to spend your money on something that wasn't needed, by my suggestion, at that. It was wrong of me. Ultimately, I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you.

 

 **PG:** ...

 **PG:** ...Hotch that's so sweet

 **PG:** Now I feel bad for humiliating you like that :( I feel bad for my initial plan now, too

 

 **Hotch:** ...What was your initial plan?

 

 **Elle:** she was gonna switch out your coffee with coke and lace it with mentos so it'd burst all over your suit lmfaooooo

 

 **Hotch:** ...

 **Hotch:** Honestly, if you'd done that, I'd have commended you for it. Frankly, that's brilliant.

 

 **PG:** Thanks <333

 **PG:** So we're cool?

 

 **Hotch:** Sure.

 

 **PG:** Hugs! *gives virtual hug*

 

 **Hotch:** Now that that's all cleared up...

 **Hotch:** A backstory behind the pictures: I was twenty-one and heavily interested in theatre; I managed to land a role as the lead antagonist in a Broadway musical rendition of The Flintstones. I was Chip, a corrupt casino owner who was heavily in debt so I aspired to marry Wilma in order to get her funds.

 

 **PG:** Tee-bee-heych, I'm into theatre too! It's just... that _outfit_...

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You know how I said you kicked like a nine-year-old girl? Yeah, that outfit's officially solidified the removal of all trace of 'alpha male' from my perceptions. I won't be able to stop thinking about it now.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** For once I agree with Reid ^

 

 **Hotch:** That's fair.

 

 **JJ:** Wait what the hell Hotch, you were 21 in those pictures? You don't age wtf

 

 **PG:** I KNOW! I need your sorcerer powers A.S.A.P.

 

 **JJ:** How old are you now?? I don't think I know

 

 **Hotch:** 34 in November.

 **Hotch:** ...Now I'm tempted to show you all old pictures of me...

 

 **PG:** DO IT

 

 **JJ:** Do it!!!

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Yeah, go ahead, I wanna know what the ever-so-stoic Boss Man looked like when he was younger

 

 **Hotch:**  I have nothing else to do. Haley's at the doctor getting a checkup, so...

 **Hotch:** Standby.

 

**Hotch:**

**Hotch:**

**Hotch:**

**Hotch:**

 

 **PG:** Putting the 'Hot' in Hotch!!!!! Hot damn papacito!!

 

 **Elle:** sending jalapeno manufacturers a run for their money

 

 **JJ:** I can't believe that this is our boss

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I'm more surprised that not a single suit is to be seen in any of these pictures

 

 **Hotch:** I wore a suit once and just never stopped after that. Sorry. :/

 

 **Elle:** breaking news: local FBI unit chief found to be in possession of a sense of humor. how will this change the world?

 

**Hotch:**

**Hotch:**

**Hotch:** Freshman and sophomore year.

 

 **Elle:** THAT HAIRCUT YOU LOOK LIKE A BEATLE LMFAOOO

 

 **Hotch:** That's what I was going for. I love The Beatles.

 

 **Elle:** too bad john lennon was a woman-hating prick lmao

 

 **Hotch:**

**Hotch:** Senior year.

 

 **Elle:** anyone else getting major john travolta vibes from that pic lmao

 

 **JJ:** I was thinking Jesse from Full House

 

**PG:**

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Senior you looks like his name should be Dylan and he should be the token most popular boy in the entire school who is both a colossal A-hole with no personality and unaware of the existence of the archetypal nerd girl who pines after him irrespective of said traits and subsequently receives an unrealistic-looking makeover in order to attract his attention.

 

 **Elle:** dkcjhddjJDHBJEKSF SPENCER WHAT THE FUCKFSSHDBSSDKMJDHSDH LMAOOOOO

 

 **PG:** R E I D EDSJZNHF

 

 **JJ:** Spence!!!! dsjzsbhskds

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Are you guys having seizures? Should I call 911?

 

 **Elle:** no spencer its called a keysmash

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So... I'm going to infer from that, you're smashing your keyboard keys? Why?

 

 **PG:**  My naive fledgling, you have a lot to learn

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...Fledgling. Okay. Just don't break your phones. :/

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't know what that meme's supposed to mean.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It means you're on the verge of losing our bet since you just cussed twice 😎

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I didn't say the full word so it doesn't count. 😎

 

 **Hotch:**  ...Reid, I have no idea how to respond to what you said up there.

 **Hotch:** Also, I want to know what this bet is about.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Well, I obviously don't truly mean you are any of those things; I just want to know how accurate I am on that front.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Regarding the bet, *sigh* I have to go a week without swearing, if I'm truly "dedicated to the cause", and if I mess up, I'll have to do everybody on this team's paperwork for a whole month.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** However, if I prove Morgan wrong by the end of the week, he not only has to do everybody's paperwork, he has to wear a cowboy suit for a week's consecutive work of cases.

 

 **JJ:** OEISDXDSJFNDSKFDS

 

 **Elle:**  lmfaooo [morgan voice] howdy pardner

 

 **Hotch:** Well, that's certainly something I'd like to see. Reid, I'm rooting for you.

 

 **PG:** You can do it Reid!! You can win!!

 

 **Elle:** all the unsubs we catch henceforth will surrender bc of the rationale that being in prison is less torture than having to bear witness to morgan in a cowboy suit

 

 **JJ:** I hope he does the accent to complement it LOL

 **JJ:** I'm from Pittsburgh, it's not that hard. I can teach him how to do it

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Youre all so rude. >:( What did I do to warrant this besides being sexy as hell?

 

 **Elle:** ^ that. THAT is exactly what you did

 

 **Derek Morgan:** >:(

 

 **Hotch:**  To get back on topic: I wouldn't say I was popular, really. I'd reason it was... average. I had a couple friends and I was captain of my debate team.

 **Hotch:** Though, I _was_  intimidated by Haley, who was comparatively the popular one. Embarrassingly so.

 **Hotch:** I took a minor part in a play that she was the lead in, in order to get closer to her. I was so sure it would backfire, but luckily, it didn't. I've had a suppressed fondness for theater ever since.

 

 **PG:** Aw that's so cute <333 I'm getting cavities

 **PG:** Any more pictures?

 

 **Hotch:** No. I think those are all I have.

 

 **PG:** *sad trumpets*

 

 **Elle:** tbh i wanna join in on the fun

 **Elle:** tho i only have like three pics i think

 

 **PG:** Show them!!

 

**Elle:**

**Elle:**

**Elle:**

 

 **PG:** OMGEE ELLE YOU'RE SO PRETTY!! Rock them curls, girl!

 

 **JJ:** Aw! You're so gorgeous!

 

 **Elle:** haha thanks. first pic was taken junior prom night, second was for senior picture day and the third was during senior prom night

 **Elle:** that was ten years ago, btw

 

 **PG:** Omg wow you also don't age!!

 

 **Elle:** lmao it's the latina genes that are responsible for that i guess

 **Elle:** but im half white and white people age like cottage cheese so im lowkey scared

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Now I wanna show some pictures of myself smh yall are contagious

 

 **Hotch:** "Y'all"...

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  Yup.

 **Derek Morgan:** Prepare _yallselves_ for real baby boy sexiness

 

 **Elle:**  jj this is your fault ^

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** 🙄 Caaaan't wait.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Don't be sassy, pretty boy.

 **Derek Morgan:** Here we go

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

 

 **Elle:** morgan no offense but you looked like a fucking devil child

 **Elle:** like the possessed ones in horror movies

 

 **JJ:** ^

 **JJ:** He probably was tbh

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** He still _is._

 

 **Elle:** LMFAOOO bruh reid is on a roll with all the roasts today im dead

 **Elle:** (im not literally dead of course)

 **Elle:** hand me the porter beef my man

 

 **PG:** Hey guys leave him alone!! >:( He was cute...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** You're my saving grace, baby girl~ Thank you.

 

 **PG:**...as much as I agree.

 

 **Elle:** KFMJHBSDJWFDHSBDS

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I don't deserve this

 

 **Hotch:** I mean, you always roast Reid; don't you think it's fair for you to have a taste of your own medicine?

 

 **JJ:** _H O T C H_

 

 **Elle:** when did hotch become so savage im- kfdcjds

 

 **PG:** Right when Reid decided to be

 

 **Derek Morgan:** _Anyway_

 **Derek Morgan:** I'm bringing in more pics. I got sexier with age.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Doubt it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Whatever

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

**Derek Morgan:**

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Now we move on to high school me.

Derek Morgan: 

**Derek Morgan:**

 

 **Elle:** damn derek lmao them curls poppin

 **Elle:** and your eyes

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Thanks mamacita ;)

 

 **PG:** If high school you and high school Hotch were in a 'sexiest man' contest, I wouldn't know who to vote for.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** My man Hotch is alright but I'm certainly apt at turning heads ;) Surely I'd win

 

 **Hotch:** In your _dreams._

 

 **JJ:** Now now boys, let's be civil here.

 **JJ:** Should I go next? I don't think my pictures are all that exciting

 

 **PG:** No, I'm sure they are!! Lemme see!!

 

 **JJ:** Alrighty, here we go.

 

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:**

**JJ:** See? Boring.

 

 **Elle:** aw no jj you were adorable

 **Elle:** i love your prom dress

 

 **JJ:** Thank you!

 

 **PG:** What is it with everybody on this team and NOT AGING!?!?! Am I the only one here who was a dried grapefruit back then and is a rotten grapefruit now???

 

 **JJ:** Noooo don't say that about yourself Garcia!! I'm sure you were cute

**Derek Morgan:** Baby girl, the only fruit you are is utterly ripe

 **Derek Morgan:** I'll bet you were as gorgeous back then as you are now~ C'mon, Let's see some pics.

 

 **PG:** ........I don't have any

**Derek Morgan:** What do you mean?

 

 **PG:**...

 **PG:** This...... is gonna sound really pathetic and I hope none of you laugh even though I can't keep you from doing so but I burned all of them because I hated the way I look and I kinda still do hate the way I look sometimes like really hate it to the point of wanting to cry and throw up and I don't evenf eel like I belong on the team sometimes

 **PG:** Sorry

 

~~**Dr. Spencer Reid:** _I wish I didn't relate._ ~~

 

 **Elle:** you have nothing to be sorry for

 **Elle:** i personally think youre very beautiful

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It's not pathetic at all. Like I said, baby girl, you're gorgeous~

 **Derek Morgan:** You're brilliant, lovely, and charming, and this team would be shit without you, point blank.

 

 **Hotch:** It's true. You're a valuable asset to this team and you cement all of our cases. As for your appearance, I don't think you're bad-looking in the slightest.

 

 **JJ:** Yeah, Penelope, we love you! We wouldn't trade you in for anything; shoot us should we dare try.

 

 **PG:** Aw :') You guys are the best friends I could ever ask for, ILYSM <333 Come entangle me in a virtual group hug!!! *spreads my arms wide and scoops you all up*

 

 **JJ:** <3

 

 **Elle:** <3

 

 **Derek Morgan:** :*

 

 **Hotch:** *shrugs and accepts anyway*

 

 **PG:** I loved all your pictures; you're all so handsome and pretty!

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Wait a minute, Garcia.

 

 **PG:**?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Not _everyone_ in the team's pics were sent.

**PG:** Oh, right, Gideon isn't in the chat yet. Whoops.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Nah, not him, I'm talking about a certain nerdy fella whose name rhymes with Renter Speed

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** C'mon, Reid, I'm really itchin' to see what you looked like

 **Derek Morgan:** Kiddie high schooler and teenage college student, that's gotta make for some _very_ interesting stuff

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm gonna pass.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Nah, I'm too curious. You know I could just have Garcia pull it up for me right? A twelve year old high school graduate and a like 20 year old with 3 PhDs isn't too hard to find

 

 **PG:** Derek I love you but I'm not gonna do something against his will in order to please you

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I said I won't, please respect that.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Thanks, Garcia.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** That's too bad. I was _really_ hoping to see what little Reidyweedy looked like.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I swear to God, I'm going to strangle you with the lasso accompanying your cowboy suit come next Monday.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Aw, you actually think I'm going to lose this bet. How cute.

 

 **Elle:**  lmfaooo hey girls WE should bet on who loses their bet

 **Elle:** i bet uhhhhhh $50 on morgan

 

 **Garcia:** I love the man but same ^

 

 **JJ:** Yup, Morgan for me.

 

 **Elle:** hotch wanna pitch in

 

 **Hotch:** Normally, I would say no, but I'm sold by the cowboy suit.

 **Hotch:** Plus, Reid's more composed than most would figure.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I'm quitting this damn team.

* * *

  **Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 7:29pm_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I'm gonna whoop your ass

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm taller than you. Pray you can even reach up.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** And hey, you were the one who suggested the cowboy suit. You brought this on yourself. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

* * *

  **Bureau Squadron**

_Today 7:31pm_

 

 **Elle:** hey on the bright side if you end up winning we could give you the money and take you out to an apology dinner

 **Elle:** and reid has to pay for all of it

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...Okay, _now_ Im sold

 **Derek Morgan:** Good luck, freakazoid

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You too, **[DE]** REK  **[MO]** RGA **[** **N]**.

 

 **JJ:** I JUST SPAT OUT MY DRINK

 

 **Elle:** dnjdsk,mdsdbhjdnHNBHDS IM LOSUNG MY MIND WHO IS THIS AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH SPENCER REID

 

 **Garcia:** I DONT KNOW BUT I LOVE IT!!!

 

 **Elle:** garcia this is your groupchat you should be proud tbh

 

 **Garcia:** I am!!! :'D They grow up so fast

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Actually, I was _born_  this way. *grins haughtily*

* * *

**Derek Morgan, PG**

_Today 7:34pm_

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  FWD: " _Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid Today 7:29pm_

_Derek Morgan: I'm gonna whoop your ass_

_Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm taller than you. Pray you can even reach up."_

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  This man is going to meet his fucking maker so help me

 

 **PG:** ...My sides are having a frat party in response to that. I'm sorry

* * *

**The Girlies!!**

_Today 7:39pm_

 

 **PG:** FWD: _"Derek Morgan, PG Today 7:34pm_

 _Derek Morgan:_ " _FWD: Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid Today 7:29pm_

_Derek Morgan: I'm gonna whoop your ass_

_Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm taller than you. Pray you can even reach up."_

 

 _Derek Morgan: This man is going to meet his fucking maker so help me_ "

 

 **PG:** 911 I just witnessed a muhfuckin' murder

 

 **JJ:** OOOOH MY GOOOOD

 

 **Elle:**  lmaooo 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 he is so outta pocket im sobbing so hard rn 

 **Elle:**  id keysmash but my fingers hurt from all the other times i did it

 

 **PG:** Spencer "Savage Mofo" Reid

 

 **JJ:**  Take a break from typing then, genius

 

 **Elle:** i just rolled my eyes

 **Elle:** ive been assaulted by 3 unsubs ever since joining this team you think i feel pain over some measly finger pressure

 

 **JJ:** I still can't believe that UnSub who gave up that girl's location bc you satisfied his foot fetish... men are so pathetic

 

 **Elle:** deadass

 **Elle:** ooooh i have a better name for this chat

 **Elle** has named this chat **Man Haters**

 

 **JJ:** Perfect

 

 **PG:** Aw I liked The Girlies :/ it makes us sound like a cute girl group

 

 **Elle:** 'man haters' is better tho isnt it it makes us sound like a dope ass metal band instead

 **Elle:** particularly since we're all gay

 

 **JJ:** I'm (sadly) straight

 

**PG:**

 

 **Elle:** rest in pieces

* * *

**AquaSquad**

_Today 11:37pm_

 

**Elle:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:** ?

 

 **Elle:** what

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Is this a meme?

 

 **Elle:** ...yeah..??

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Who is that woman?

 

 **Elle:** new york pollard

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I asked whom, not where.

 

 **Elle:** yeah and i just told you lmfao her name is literally new york

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Oh.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Wow.

 

 **Elle:** yeah

 **Elle:** anyways as that meme accurately conveys im tired as hell and taking my ass to sleep goodnight reid

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Good night.

* * *

**Bureau Squadron**

_Today 3:34am_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I changed my mind regarding the decision to not send pictures of myself...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** However, I'm sending them this early in the morning because you all are sleeping, thus preventing you all from ridiculing me - which I know is bound to happen - in unison when you're active.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So, yeah, here they are...

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I have... more, you can ask for them if you'd like, but right now, I'm... shaking, and anxious, and tinged with regret that I even sent these, and now I'm promptly going to bed to lament before I further embarrass myself.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Just... please, go easy on me.

 

_Today 7:49am_

 

 **PG:** Omg Reid no!! :( You don't have to send pictures if you don't feel comfortable doing so, I'm sorry if we pressured you in any way!!

 **PG:** But you look lovely, sweetheart~ ✨✨✨

 

 **Elle:** tbh this is not something i expected to wake up to

 **Elle:** but yeah spencer you look nice, i like your smile & i hope you're feeling okay

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Thank you, guys, that means a lot.

 

 **PG:** No problemo~!!

 

 **Elle:** no sweat

  _Today 8:32am_

 

 **Hotch:** You look great, Reid.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Thanks.

 

  _Today 10:14am_

 **JJ:** Spence, are you okay?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yeah, I was just feeling a little panicky. I'm fine. Thank you.

 

  _Today 12:01pm_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Lookin' good, boyyo

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Thank you, very much.

 

  _Today 1:58pm_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I think... I'm comfortable sending you guys old pictures of me now.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** As well as... having you all make fun of them.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** In retrospect, I _did_ take a lot of stupid pictures.

 

 **Elle:** thats good to hear spencer i'm glad you're feeling okay

 **Elle:** and tbh haven't we all

 

 **JJ:** I omitted my stupid ones tbh I physically couldn't handle inputting them here

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Well, you're about to see mine, and I have a lot more stupid photos than normal ones, so... treasure this haul of ancient esoterica while you can.

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **PG:** Cutie!!!!

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ew Reid no wonder you Stan so hard for Superman :/ disgusting

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** If that's in reference to the Eminem song: screw you. I'm not that crazy.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hey, look, you didn't cuss that time ;)

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Shut up.

 

 **Hotch:** Boys, no fighting.

 

 **Elle:** yeah man fighting is only acceptable if its in the parking lot of a mcdonalds

 

 **PG:** Ew Elle, that's so trashy

 **PG:** Denny's is better

 

 **Elle:** ive never been to a dennys

 

 **JJ:** Me neither ^ I've always been more of an Applebee's or Cracker Barrel person

 

 **PG:** I love Denny's :( You guys are traitors

 

 **Hotch:** Haley and I go to Denny's all the time. We like to watch all of the inept parents mishandling their kids so we can take notes on what _not_ to do when our son is born.

 **Hotch:**  God, I love 'family-oriented' restaurants.

 

 **Elle:** lmaooo

 **Elle:** hey morgan if we lose our bet on spencer winning your bet can we make your apology dinner restaurant dennys

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I've never been there before so sure, why not

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** -_- Moving on.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Oh, God.

 

 **Hotch:** What?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...This picture certainly makes the bet much more... amusing.

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **Elle:**  ohmy gododddhdsjdshfd

 

 **JJ:**  Morgan now you can't try to countermand your promise to wear a cowboy suit if you lose and order Spence to do so instead because he's already worn one LOL

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I still can. He was a kid there, theres a vast difference between wearing one as a kid and wearing one as an adult

 

 **PG:** Sorry, boo, too late :/ you've already established the bet. You have a lot more to lose than Spencer and it's all your fault~

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Listen I dont know how this betting shit works I'm not from Vegas unlike a certain headass who for sure is gonna lose bc no one is that 'composed'

 

 **Elle:** [reid voice] howdeh pawrdner, im nawt frum rowwwnd deeze pawrts

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm cringing.

 

 **Elle:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Anyway...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't really have any high school photos of me, I was prohibited from participating in yearbooks due to my extremely young age and it's not like I wanted to have my high school self photographed, really. I do have a ton of college photos, though...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Show em, big man. Im still curious about what your megabrain was like in college, were you a mini Einstein who kept himself isolated up until graduation day or what?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...At first.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** What do you mean by that?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Well, I took a gap year after high school graduation so I began college at 14, and initially, I did isolate myself because I was worried there would be a repeat of what happened in high school - however, it'd turned out to be the opposite - people commended me for being a teenage genius instead of ostracizing me for it; I became popular and developed friendships. There were the occasional bad apples like steroid-infused frat boys and such, but ultimately, college ended up being arguably the best experience of my life.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I had a lot of different looks and phases while in college, which is a clarification I need to make in order to stymie, if not outright prevent, the confusion that's likely to breed once I send these pictures. And some of them are _really_ stupid.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  In addendum, I didn't start living on the 'wild' side until I was 17-18, so, that's a contributing factor.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Okay, okay, on with it, Nicola Tesla

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...That is singlehandedly the greatest compliment you could have ever given me. Thanks. <3

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Here they are. Not in any particular order.

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **Elle:** i dont know what to say about all of this- youre a prep in some pics and a frat piece of shit in others.......... wtf reid

 

 **JJ:** Yeah Spence it's literally like you had multiple personalities...

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** That's what no full grasp on a true identity does to you, I suppose.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Speaking of... which...

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **JJ:** WHAT THE FUCK

 

 **Elle:** now im glad gideon isnt in the chat sdjsjssjs hed be so disappointed

**Dr. Spencer Reid:** Gideon knows about absolutely none of this, and I expect none of you to show or tell him.

 

 **Elle:** i cant believe hotch is in here witnessing this dmskddjsks

 

 **Hotch:** I can't either

 **Hotch:** Reid... you win the award for officially being the very first person to ever genuinely shock me in my entire life. Congratulations.

 

 **PG:** This man was macking on thumbs and posing with guns while doing his doctoral dissertations I am on. the. floor

 

 **Derek Morgan:**...

 

 **Elle:** wait a minute

 **Elle:** does this mean reid gets more action than morgan dkdhsjkdjn

 

 **Derek Morgan:** HELL no

 **Derek Morgan:** A good looking geek is STILL a geek

 **Derek Morgan:** besides Reid downgraded from those pics severely

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Okay, I'm going to send more just because you're being a B-word.

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **Elle:** that second picture... what the hell were you doing

 **Elle:** also is that a fake tattoo lol

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yeah. It's lame, but I had a fear of needles.

 

 **PG:** The first one is cute!!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Thank you.

 

 **JJ:** How... old were you in these pictures?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Anywhere ranging from 17 to 20.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I wasn't... pressured into anything bad, don't worry.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Anyhow, I think that's all of them.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...wait, I'm wrong, there's... one more, but it's a bit... dark. Metaphorically and literally.

 

 **Elle:** well lets see it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** It's kind of... ridiculous, but I can see why it'd be a little concerning. That being said, don't be alarmed.

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **Elle:** oh wow thats....... something

 

 **JJ:** ...

 

 **PG:** ...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** That... is a sad picture, Reid.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yeah, I _may_ have gotten a little carried away? But it's whatever. It was years ago.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  On another note, I turned out to be wrong about the number of pictures I have _again._ I actually have one more I need to show you.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** You're a mathematician who keeps constantly making miscalculations?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You must have not been around many mathematicians. It's our _job_ to constantly make miscalculations.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Here.

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

 

 **PG:** Okay Reid you look handsome in that but your hair looks like a rooster I'm sorry

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I know. :( I should have at least brushed it before throwing on a suit. Would have made my fake ID picture look nicer.

 

 **Elle:** HOLD THE FUCK UP REID YOUR _WHAT_

 

 **JJ:** DID I JUST READ THAT CORRECTLY?????????? _**SPENCER REID????**_ _FAKE ID??????_

 

**PG:**

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't know why you guys are so surprised. I'm from _Vegas._ Not to mention the pictures I just made you all see...

 

 **JJ:** SPENCE I HAD A FAKE ID IN COLLEGE TOO BUT I WOULD HAVE NEVER HAVE PEGGED _YOU_ TO HAVE ONE THOSE PICTURES ARE OUTRAGEOUS ENOUGH

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Well, I guess you don't know me as well as you think you do.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** How did you even _get_ one?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** My friends found me a guy who could do it and I... sort of dipped into my student loans in order to pay for it. It took over a month for it to arrive.

 

 **PG:** Why, though?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** My friends and I wanted to celebrate getting into graduate school by going out drinking at a bar, but they were far over twenty-one and I was only 19. So, of course, one thing led to another.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Getting drunk isn't even worth the hype tho man

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Funnily enough, I never used it to drink barring the one time. I used it to gamble in casinos.

 

 **Hotch:** _Reid..._

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What can I say? I'm good at counting cards & I needed the money desperately. The only individuals hurt by it were those at the betting table who got cocky and had no idea what was coming to them.

 

 **Elle:** reid i love how you confess to committing like 5+ crimes in front of hotch and THAT is how you respond

 **Elle:**  god this is so wild i feel like i just pulled out excalibur or something

 **Elle:** two weeks at the bau and its already an acid trip

 

 **JJ:** Who knew the nerd would bring about the most fun I'm

 

 **PG:** I might start looking at Reid a different way after this, 'specially after those shirtless pics...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Jesus, Reid...

 

 **Elle:** watch out derek youve got competition

 

 **JJ:** Gideon would be having a heart attack and a stroke at the same time over every last bit of this.

 

 **PG:** I'm going to forward this entire exchange to him through email. Too long for texts.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _I will spill coffee all over your equipment so much as you even **think** about doing such a thing._

 

 **PG:** I have my files backed up on my personal laptop. If you do that I could just document all the felonies you've just confessed to committing and report you for them, sweetie

 **PG:** Or even better~ hack into every website that documents arrest records in Vegas and create your rap sheet on my own. And make it as long as humanly possible. And display it on the front page for _anybody,_ including high-profile academics that wanna do followups on you, to find <3

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  I didn't go to school in Vegas, though.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  You know, I could just tell them point blank that you fabricated it and screenshot this text as proof.

 

 **PG:** I know. Doesn't stop me.

 **PG:** Texts can be deleted and I know how to erase them completely off the hard-drive. It's a secret you won't find _anywhere_ on the surface web.

 **PG:** You're not the only genius around here. Remind yourself who you're talkin' to, big man. I don't underestimate your ability, so don't underestimate mine. ;)

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...I talk too much.

 

 **PG:**  Yeah, you do, Spencer. Yep-you-do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i used pictures of matthew gray gubler when he was younger because the kids they had play spencer in 'memoriam', 'revelations', and 'entropy' respectively, to me, looked nothing like spencer at all.
> 
> P.S. a picture says a thousand words but for every thousand words spoken there's a hundred more unspoken in regards to reid - for those of you who may think reid is becoming too trusting of the team too quickly simply because he (reluctantly) sent them a few pics of himself with no stories attached to them. lying by omission is his specialty and lord, does he do it well.
> 
> P.P.S. **LET REID SAY FUCK**


	4. reid (and the rest of the bureau but mostly reid) is wild af

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not having updated in close to three months now but to compensate, here's a particularly long chapter full of surprises! this chapter contains pancakes, donuts, more playfighting and betting, more Collegial Bureau Wholesomeness and a lil insight into ex-party boy spencer~
> 
> by the way, I want to make a serious note that it was recently brought to my attention that an individual plagiarized parts of this fic and rewrote it so that I wouldn't detect it. I'm not talking about the concept of criminal minds chatfics period, because anybody with a decently-functioning brain knows that I didn't invent those - but you can obviously deduce from the layout/style/elements of their fic, which has 34 kudos, that some aspects are blatantly copied from my fic. I'm not going to bother calling this person out publicly because one of my new year's resolutions - especially since my birthday is the day after new year's - was to not get involved in as much drama as I had been last year and many years prior. so I implore that author to either delete their fic & start over with original ideas, or make a public statement that majority of their fic's basis was inspired by me, or else I'm going to _have to_ call them out publicly and report them.
> 
> thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoy the chapter, let's proceed

**Elle:** soooo reid are ya willing to do a q&a cuz im WAAAAAY too curious about you

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Uh, ...sure. Why not.

 

 **Elle:** ok what was your fake name

 **Elle:** for the id

 

 **JJ:** ^ now THAT is something I need to hear lololol

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Yeah I wanna know if he used some douchebag sounding one

 **Derek Morgan:** I mean that pic radiates _severe_ privileged white boy douchebaggery

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Unfortunately, for all of you _wonderfully kind souls_ , I didn’t use one.

 

 **Elle:** 🤦🏻♀️ jfc reid you should never use your real name wtf thats fake id 101

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I would have been indicted for identity theft, and fraud, and received a harsher penalty, if I’d used a different name. My academic standing would have been jeopardized.

 

 **Elle:** reid oh my god if youre gonna break the law you might as well break the whole law

 **Elle:** you cheated grown ass men out of thousands of dollars youre still a fraudster regardless dude

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** But it’s the principle of the thing.

 

 **JJ:** 🤦🏼♀️

 

 **PG:** Did you get caught?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Sort of.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...But I got away. Scarcely.

 

**Derek Morgan: 🤨**

 

 **PG:** OMG!! Deets!!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** It’s a wild story, really.

 

 **JJ:** Spence, everything you’ve said within the last _hour_ probably constitutes as a “wild story”

 

 **Elle** : ^ word

 **Elle:** besides its one i wanna hear, and one im actually asking for

 **Elle:** bc i didnt ask for your shirtless and thumb sucking pics

 **Elle:** so on with it einstein

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Alright. Blunt, and point taken, but alright.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Although, let me have my breakfast first, and then, I’ll tell the whole story.

 

 **Elle:** spencer it is damn near 3pm tf u mean “breakfast”

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I _mean_ that I wasn’t hungry this morning, but I’m having a breakfast item because I feel odd just outright skipping breakfast.

 

 **Elle:** what breakfast item

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Pancakes.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ew

 **Derek Morgan:** Waffles reign supreme you barbarian

 

 **Elle:** ^ rt waffles ftw

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** In your dreams.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Googled those initialisms instead of asking... “Real talk” and “for the win”?

 

 **Elle:** exactamente

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hold the phone, Reid knows what Google is???

 **Derek Morgan:** This is great, now he can stop asking you _lovely_ ladies what everything means when he has a brain and two hands capable of using a search engine

 

 **PG:** Hey, we like helping boy wonder >:( don’t be a meanie Derek

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** 🙄 Ha ha ha, very funny, Morgan. I can’t help that I’m not caught up on the slang that others my age use.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...that is mostly comprised of obscure acronyms and initialisms that I would understand were they to be spoken _normally._

 

 **Elle:** well get caught up then

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** *”Well, catch up, then.”

 

 **Elle:** okay you pretentious pedantic piece of shit go have your damn overdue pancakes 🖕

 

 **PG:** Welcome to the Alliteration Station, your train has arrived at its destination 🎉

 

 **Elle:** BARS 🙌

 

 **JJ:** Better bars than Tupac and Biggie ☝️

 

 **Elle:** bitch im from new york dont you DARE disrespect biggie

 **Elle:** i will throw hands RIGHT NOW blondie

 

 **JJ:** 😪 I’m _soooo_ scared

 

 **Elle:** hey you cant use my line on me

 

 **JJ:** I just did. What are you gonna do about it?

 **JJ:**  You didn’t invent sarcasm honey

 

 **Elle: 👊** bitch...

 **Elle:** well you dont sound as amazing as i do saying it how about THAT

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid and I are fighting, you two are fighting... The BAU has turned into Fight Club all of a sudden

 

 **JJ:** Morgan you literally just broke the first rule

 **JJ:** Don’t talk about Fight Club

 

 **Elle:** tbh men who actively enjoy fight club/genuinely have it as their favorite movie of all time aren’t to be trusted

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Well I enjoyed it

 **Derek Morgan:** But you still trust me tho, right mami?? ;)

 

 **Elle:** youre off to never never land🎶

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...Hold on

 **Derek Morgan:** You werent in the room with me and Reid when we were trying to find out Slessman’s password so how do you know about that song

 

 **Elle:** a little technologically adept birdie told me

 

 **PG:** Guilty your honor!!! 🖐🖐🖐

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Of course.

 

 **Elle:** i listened to it actually

 **Elle:** not something i would normally listen to but its pretty good

 **Elle:** replace every kids nursery rhyme with this

 

 **JJ:** What song are we talking about?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It’s by Metallica. Enter some man??

 

 **Elle:** its like enter the sandman or w/e

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m leaving immediately after I send this message, but both of you are wrong, it’s ‘Enter Sandman’.

 

 **Elle:** HA i was closest eat shit derek

 

**Derek Morgan: 🖕🏾**

 

 **JJ:** Who made that their password??

 

 **Derek Morgan:** The accomplice of that Vogel guy that was killing women up in Seattle

 **Derek Morgan:** The “extreme aggressor”

 

 **Elle:** my first case lol

 

 **JJ:** Okay, got it

 

 **Elle:** anyway RIP my mans you don’t deserve this disrespect 🙏🙏🙏

 

 **JJ:** I’m going to put “Biggie Smalls fangirl” in your file

 

 **Elle:** and i wont be mad about it one bit 🤷🏻♀️ sometimes his words just hypnotize me

 

 **Derek Morgan:** My file should have “One true gangsta” in it and if it doesn’t I’m suing the whole bureau

 

 **JJ:** Oh my god Morgan

 

 **Elle:** you are such a headass i stg

 **Elle:** i want mine to also say pure man hater

 **Elle:** or to pull a reid “she demonstrates a seemingly-unprecedented aversion to the male sex”

 **Elle:** anyways morgan you and reid have nice taste re: the metallica song

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Well Its mostly just Reid, he’s the one who knew what song it was. I don’t really listen to Metallica

 

 **Elle:** well reid if you see this you have nice taste man

 **Elle:** ok im how hotch is just in here chillin watching our antics unfold lets discuss that

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Speaking of Hotch... shouldnt he and my baby girl be apart of the fight club?

 **Derek Morgan:** After all she did expose the man’s old pics🤫

 

 **PG:** HEY don’t put me in the ring with Hotch!! He said we were cool 😠😠😠

 

 **Hotch:** I’m not contributing to the conversation because I’m finishing up early paperwork, in addition to spending time with Haley, but I just want to state that I don’t fight anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary for me to do so.

 **Hotch:** Garcia’s too precious for me to fight, anyway.

 

 **Elle:** yo who takes jokes more seriously hotch or reid

 

 **JJ:**  Easy. Gideon

 

 **Elle:** lmaoooo true

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Who would Gideon fight?

 

 **JJ:** His ego

 

 **Elle:** bzfsfhsgjjfjjsfs

 **Elle:** god we are so outta pocket in this chat i feel like were teenagers again

 **Elle:** garcia if this was a social experiment to test out whether we all want to preserve/relive our youth then congratulations youve succeeded

 

 **PG:** No, I was just bored and wanted to get to know you all better!! 😁 Social experiments are Reid’s thing

 

 **Elle:** awwww how cute

 **Elle:** but i am actually so headass over text i honestly feel like an unsub with how easy im able to hide it and put my Professional™️ mask on

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Same hat

 

 **JJ:** Same hat x2

 

 **PG:** Thats what this chat is for!! For us to have ourcomplete, unfiltered fun 😉

 

 **Elle:** penny the way you worded that makes it sound so unnecessarily sexual sjsjsjsl

 

 **PG:** Of _course_ you’d see it that way; you worked in sex crimes

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Boom, roasted

 

 **Elle:** morgan stfu your entire existence is a sex crime

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Not finding me sexy is a sex crime 😉

 

 **Elle:** disgusting

 

 **Derek Morgan:** What’s disgusting is your rampant denial 😉

 

 **JJ:** 🤢🤢🤢

 

 **Elle:** hello 911?? yes theres an emergency and i need you to get here quick we have a  _whole fucking sex offender_ posing as an fbi agent

 

 **Derek Morgan:** 😠 Rude

 **Derek Morgan:** I’m still gorgeous though 😉 And I’ll be sure to let all of you know it one way or another 😌

 

 **JJ:** Spence, where are you? I don’t know how long I can take any more of this

 

 **Elle:** ok speaking of reid IS HE DONE EATING HIS PANCAKES YET I NEED TO KNOW HOW HIS ASS GOT CAUGHT WITH A FAKE ID

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid, if you see this, I’m whooping your ass for stealing the ladies away from me 😡

 

 **PG:** SAVE US, ALMIGHTY SPENCER!!!!!!!!! 🆘🆘🆘🆘🆘

 

_Today 3:43pm_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I arrive to complete chaos. Okay, then.

 

 **PG:** Our knight in shining dress shirts is here!!! 🙏

 

 **Elle:**  oh thank GOD

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I legitimately have no idea what’s happening here.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Why does everyone need me all of a sudden?

 

 **Elle:** to save us from dereks harassment and also CAUGHT STORY I NEED IT NOW

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You have to be patient. I’m still finishing a pancake.

 

 **Elle:** youve been eating pancakes for like 45 minutes now how many did you make spencer goddamn

 

 **PG:** Maybe he’s just a slow eater~ he’s fast at reading, writing, typing and overall thinking, there has to be _something_ he’s slow at!!

 

 **JJ:** Or he’s not actually eating pancakes he’s just using that as an excuse to avoid telling us the story

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid:**

Proof to the contrary.

 

 **Elle:** came thru with the receipts so quick lmfaoooo

 **Elle:** he said “nah bitch im not bullshitting 💅🏻”

 

 **JJ:** He could’ve just gotten that off Google

 

 **Elle:** who tf googles “half eaten pancake” just to corroborate some elaborate lie when you could just be upfront about it like an adult

 **Elle:** like thats the type of shit that unsubs do

 

 **JJ:** Youd be surprised

 

 **PG:** Jayj why do you not want Reid to be eating pancakes so bad :/

 

 **Elle:** ooooh maybe she’s a waffle crusader like us

 **Elle:** jj youre valid for not wanting reid to fall victim to the unholiness that is pancakes im the same way

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** 🙄 I‘m _right here_ , you guys. Besides, I like both.

 

 **Elle:** i like both too. ‘both’ meaning things other than pancakes & waffles, that is

 

 **PG:** ^ Same hat!!

 

 **JJ:** Can’t relate, I’m straight 😔

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 

 **Elle:** anyways are you done eating

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yes.

 

 **Elle:** okay then storytime loser you promised

 

 **JJ:** *grabs popcorn*

 

 **PG:** 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** *sigh* Okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** The basis behind it is that my childhood best friend, Ethan, and I decided to go out one night. I wasn’t drunk, but he was completely out of it, and you can obviously infer from that, that he wasn’t making any rational decisions.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So, his _brilliant_ decision of the night was for us to go to a casino on the other side of town that we knew to be far more intimidating and strict than the rest – as in, wherein actual mobsters cohabited.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I was yelling at him the entire drive to cover up the fact that I was terrified beyond belief; even _navigating_ that area while noticeably being an outsider was grounds for being targeted. We’d never been there in our lives.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** We finally arrived at the place and, internally, I felt like I was going to die right there. At the door was this stocky bouncer who was taller than even me, and I swear to God I actually felt my soul ascend from my body upon seeing him.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** He stopped us and asked for our identifications. Ethan was 22 and I was barely 20, so I, of course, had to use my fake ID. Ethan got let in with no complications, but the bouncer scrutinized me for what felt like a millennium. I finally got let in, but not before he made a remark about “what a pathetic name ‘Spencer’ is.”

 

 **JJ:** I’m LOSING it holy crap

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Tag yourselves I’m the bouncer

 

 **Elle:** im ethan sldkfkdjhrjss

 

 **PG:** I’m the big scary mobsters!!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m Spencer, and I would _really_ like for my story to be finished, please.

 

 **Elle:** damn ok y’all heard the man

 

 **PG:** So everyone here’s gonna start saying “y’all” now? Thanks for that Derek😒

 

 **Elle:** actually it was jj lmfaooo

 

 **JJ:** No??????

 

 **Elle:** youre the one who suggested he do a country accent so it was you by proxy

 

 **PG:** Either way I don’t need this hullabaloo tearing my family apart!!!!

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid: 😕**

**Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I guess I’m leaving again, then.

 

 **PG:** Nooooo Reid come back we need you!! 😞😞 We're sorry!

 

 **Elle:** yeah i promise we’ll (*cough cough* morgan) stop wilding out and let you finish your story

 **Elle:** let’s all shut the fuck up while spencer types please

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Thank you.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I felt super relieved – albeit still anxious – when I was finally let inside, and we ended up having a really fun time. I was betting against this relatively high-profile crime boss – won’t say his name for obvious reasons – and won _over $1,000,000._ We were about to leave with our winnings when the man and his band of mafiosi became suspicious. The bouncer, in addition to the casino manager, was alerted; he walked up to us and asked me for ID again. I gave it to him, confident that I was going to leave that night the luckiest man in the world, but I was so wrong. He inspected it once more, even longer and more thoroughly than the last time, and outright said that it looked phony– then, he ripped it into pieces. I was cornered; my opponent was demanding his money back immediately, and his ‘goons’ looked ready to absolutely pummel me at that moment.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I tried talking my way out of it, stating that I could just reimburse the money and leave and we could all forget that this ever happened, but he said that wasn’t an option and that I either had to “make myself useful” or they would be out looking for me, with the police’s help. I thought that my life was going to be over then and there– physically, academically, it didn’t matter, I was _beyond_ screwed.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** All of a sudden, Ethan jumped out from behind me, _punched the bouncer square in the face_ and sent him tumbling down, grabbed my hand and the two of us made a run for it without looking back. We bolted out the door and into the dark streets of Vegas until we were certain we lost the men in pursuit, and we stopped in a neighbourhood we didn’t recognize. We knocked on the door of the first house we saw and an elderly man answered and allowed us to stay in his house for the night as well as drive Ethan back to his house and me to my hotel. He was really kindhearted and accommodative; he told us stories about his days in soldiery and recalled vignettes of his childhood the entire drive.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** After he dropped me off, I immediately booked a flight back to California and expressed my desire to leave CalTech & be transferred to Yale, and I did it without telling Ethan. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life and from then on, I knew that my partying and gambling days were over.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** At Yale, and later MIT, my past self was a total phantom and I lived in moderate quietness and stability up until graduation day. Then, Gideon noted me at a lecture I was at for leisurely purposes and recruited me to join the BAU, and after one steadfast year at the academy, here I am.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** A final note: Ethan went into that same casino about a year ago and wasn’t recognized because he’d grown out his hair and developed a beard, but he texted me saying that there was a photo of me on their billboard with a huge red X marked on top of it, that included my eyes being gouged with daggers they’d left stuck inside and a drawn black hole on my forehead signifying a bullet hole. There were also newspaper reports regarding me joining the bureau and being officially verified as an FBI agent plastered all over the billboard. He asked one of the mafiosi about me and they responded with, “ _Just this punk-ass Fed prick whose head we want because he swindled one of our guys out of a million bucks.”_ So... yeah.

 

 **PG:** AM I _DREAMING?!?!?!_

 

 **JJ:** I feel like I’ve been transplanted into _another galaxy_ after reading this entire thing WHAT THE HELL

 

 **Elle:** _SPENCER FUCKING REID WANTED BY THE MOB HOLY SHIT?????????_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...........

 

 **JJ:** HOW DOES GIDEON NOT KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS WHAT THE FUCK

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Because I didn’t tell him, and I don’t plan on doing so. I told Hotch though.

 

 **PG:** _Hotch_ knows?!?!!?!!?!?

 

 **Hotch:** I’m back.

 **Hotch:** Yes, I knew. He told me the story one night we were sharing a hotel room during a case and neither of us could go to sleep. He obviously eschewed the fact that he had a fake ID and was gambling underage, however. I had nothing to say in response other than “good night, Reid.”

 

 **Elle:** holy _fuck_

 **Elle:** the most that happened with my fake id was me getting kicked out of a bar and my mom screaming at me in spanish the entire drive home and telling me my dad wouldnt have stood for this then putting it in the shredder and grounding me for a month

 **Elle:** but goddamn spencer out here with a million bucks and a hit out on him....... crazy as shit

 

 **JJ:** I still have mine lmaooo

 

 **Derek Morgan:** What happened to the money??? Reid I swear to god if you lost it _I'll_ be on your ass

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I didn’t lose it. Technically, I didn’t even _need_ it by that point, I had enough money already. I gave some to friends when I left CalTech, donated a couple grand to some shelters and facilities in Vegas, and split it 50/50 with Ethan, who used it to pursue other means.

 

 **JJ:** Spence, and I mean this in the nicest way, I’m _really_ surprised that you’re not dead

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Me either, to be quite frank.

 

 **Elle:** okay now that weve all pretty much been confirmed to not have made such a stupid ass mistake as reid LMAOOO jj what was your fake id name

 

 **JJ:** It’s so white trash god it literally REEKS farm girl

 **JJ:** ...which is what I already am but basically it’s beyond embarrassing

 

 **Elle:** girl cmon it cant be THAT bad

 

 **JJ:** *sigh*

 **JJ:** Melanie Tonkin

 

 **Elle:** ........fngnfkkdhsf okay i can see the farm girl

 **Elle:** but ngl i probably would believe that being your name over jennifer jareau

 

 **JJ:** Wow, thanks I guess haha

 

 **Elle:** np

 

 **PG:** I never had a fake ID! People just assumed I was over 21 because I‘m chubby 🙁

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I got my booze from high school parties or my friends’ older siblings & shit

 

 **Elle:** i looked like a damn hooker in my fake id picture jfc i wore WAY too much makeup and those chola hoop earrings... the thin ass eyebrows... lord

 **Elle:** my fake name literally sounded like a stripper name too im surprised it lasted as long as it did

 

 **JJ:** What was your name lmao

 

 **Elle:** .......lacey loveless

 

 **JJ:** SNSJSHEF ELLE

 

 **Elle:** I KNOW its so dumb i mustve been on fucking bath salts oh my god

 

 **Elle:** revised tag yourselves re: spencers story

 **Elle:** im DEFINITELY ethan LMAOO

 

 **JJ:** I’m the newspaper articles strewn about the billboard

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I’m _not_ the bouncer anymore because I’m not tryna get this gorgeous face damaged~

 

 **Elle:** fucking narcissist jfc

 

 **Derek Morgan:** 😑 Plus I wouldn’t let a skinny guy take me on

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Ethan is not skinny. He may have been my partner-in-geek, but unlike me, he actually grew out of his social maladjustment and started working on himself – which did and does include going to the gym thrice a week.

 

 **Elle:** i wanna meet this dude sometime omggg you should send a pic of him

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’d have to get his permission first.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** He actually had aspirations of joining the FBI like I did. We applied at the same time, Gideon knows who he is, but at the last minute, he backed out and told me he‘d feel happier if he’d pursue other things. I feel like you guys would have loved him. ...Maybe even more so than me.

 

 **PG:** REEEEID how many times do we have to tell you we love you ✨ You mean everything to us, sweetpea!!! We wouldn’t trade you for any amount of money in the world or even the cure for cancer, you’re very special in our hearts ♥️

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Firstly, you can’t outright ‘cure’ cancer; you can only put it into remission temporarily and even then, that’s with the help of potentially-exacerbating remedies such as radiation treatment, which can lead to radiation poisoning, and chemotherapy, which can unknowingly assist in the development of another cancer. Cancerous cells will forever develop and multiply within someone’s system, they will forever alter your genetic and molecular makeup, and no amount of pills or injections will ever cease it altogether.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Secondly, if a magical cure for cancer does happen to surface, then I would _hope_ that you spare it instead of me.

 

 **JJ:** And THAT is exactly why we love you Spence <3

 

**Elle: 😘**

* * *

  **Man Haters**

_Today 5:15pm_

 

 **Elle:** jesus christ guys

 **Elle:** jj i know im breaking your rule and im new here and am likely overstepping boundaries but

 **Elle:** this is making me reconsider everything i  _thought_ i knew about reid

 

 **JJ:** I’m making an exception to it only bc he’s been in the BAU for a year and a half, I’ve been his friend for a year and a half and none of that has ever come up- nor would I have pegged him to be capable of any of that so yeah I’m truly shocked

 

 **PG:** I’m just thinking about how we both went to CalTech!! I mean I dropped out after a semester but when I was there I never saw him at all, especially since he was supposedly this big hotshot party boy... hmmmmm

 

 **Elle:** do you think hes lying???

 

 **JJ:** Pictures don’t lie

 

 **PG:** Unless they’re Photoshopped, and I doubt Reid has the time or energy to do that

 

 **Elle:** i mean he did wait a couple hours before sending all his shocking pics maybe im making this more deep than it should be idk

 

 **PG:** Truly I don’t know what to think!!

 **PG:** Besides, I’m not a profiler 😓

 

 **JJ:** I’m not one either Garcia remember lol

 

 **Elle:** well _i am_ one and idk something just feels...... off

* * *

  **Bureau Squadron**

_Today 5:18pm_

 

 **JJ:** So what’s everyone’s (except Hotch bc his are obvious) plans for this free week??? Gideon gave me tickets to a Redskins game as a gift and I’m going with Garcia, then we’re going to the movies, dinner, and possibly the club

 

 **PG:** I’m so excited!! 🥰✨✨✨

 

 **Elle:** girl i wish i could tag along but im going to take one hell of a nap i want no one bothering me this week im tired af

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I’m going out and drowning my sorrows in champagne and lovely ladies all day every day~

 

 **Elle:** i hope every ‘lovely lady’ in each club has mace and fuckboy repellent

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ouch :( You just love hurting me today, huh?

 

 **Elle:** yes and i feel absolutely no qualms or remorse about it

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m staying indoors.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** C’mon, Reid, you always stay inside your little apartment cooped up with the curtains closed. Why don’t you emerge from the darkness and come out to the clubs with me for a change, huh?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Hard pass.

 

 **Derek Morgan** : You’ve really changed, huh? Man, I want party boy Pretty Boy back.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _Not_ gonna happen. 

* * *

  **Derek Morgan, Elle**

_Today 5:22pm_

 

 **Elle:** hey that nice looking black sports car in the bureau parking lot is yours right

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Yeah, why? You looking for a ride? ;)

 

 **Elle:** gross

 **Elle:** nope i wanna bet

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hell no

 

 **Elle:** its a bet i think youd like

 **Elle:** its a wager tbf

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...I’m listening

 

 **Elle:** if you can do a donut on a busy intersection without crashing into anything ill give you $200

 **Elle:** and ill wear the cowboy suit instead of you when you lose your bet to spencer

 

 **Derek Morgan:** First of all its _*if_ I lose to Reid and I’m not gonna lose. Secondly, you are one crazy woman

 

 **Elle:** so is that a yes or no

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ......... _Hell yes._ I’m a great fuckin’ driver, bring it on

 **Derek Morgan:** Will your cowboy suit be a bodysuit or pantaloons?

 

 **Elle:** die

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Nah, I’m good

 

 **Elle:** can’t wait to see you crash your precious car 😘

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Can’t wait to buy myself a new diamond wristwatch & shout “yeehaw!” every time you walk into a room

 

 **Elle:** can’t wait for you to shut the hell up 😍

* * *

**Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 5:36pm_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** I’m here to try to convince you to let me take you out.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** How many times do I have to say “no”, Morgan?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Kid, you cant spend all week locked up in your house not talking to anyone. Its unhealthy.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So I’m aware.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Why are you so bothered by _my_ lifestyle? It’s how I choose to live it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Bc with all due respect to both you and him I don’t want you ending up like Gideon. Guys your age need to socialize, get _out there._ If you did it before, you can do it now, I have faith in you Reid

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I haven’t went to a party that wasn’t a small social gathering or charity event ever since that incident when I was 20. I don’t want to... force myself back into that lifestyle again and put myself in danger.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** And im not saying go to a frat party. I’m just saying that you need to mingle & have fun. It’ll make you feel better. You shouldnt be deterred bc of one bad incident or let it shape you for the rest of your life, it happens to everyone. Even me. You’re only in danger if you’re not careful.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I suppose you’re right.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Hold on Reid... you said you “forced yourself” into the lifestyle. Were you “forced” the first time?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I... guess. It was always a dream of mine in high school to go to parties, majorly because I was never invited to any– and if I was... who in their right mind would let an eight-to-twelve-year-old drink alcohol, witness a drunken hookup or worse– _engage_ in one?

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** That remark that I made about not having a true identity or personality, which explains why I look like a different person in every single picture I showed of me to you guys, rings true. When I entered college, I isolated myself and didn’t talk to anybody until I hit my growth spurt and looked noticeably older, but I wanted to shed every aspect of my past self completely and become ‘someone else’ for a while because high school traumatized me. Things were done to me during high school that you would probably retch at, so I pretty much just wanted to stop being known as ‘the kid genius’ and be forced to relive those memories because of that, henceforth. But, I couldn’t do it at all, since I love sharing facts, and educating people, helping them learn new things, and... ‘playing dumb’ just wasn’t me.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Once people at CalTech started to know who I was, initially, I was filled with dread, but it turned out to be... pretty _great._ People would come up to me, ask me about anything out of sheer curiosity and I’d answer for them and make their day. I’m also the reason why a lot of my fellow classmates hadn’t been kicked out or dropped out. I impressed everybody, including your typical frat boys (who would also defend me whenever people from rival fraternities threatened to beat the genius out of me). Soon, I was invited to every party, and initially I was overwhelmed and I still felt uncomfortable letting a lot of the core aspects of my ‘true self’ show, so I basically faked being a partier until I made it. There was a really terrible incident that occurred the day I turned 18, so I especially intensified it following that because I needed an outlet to cope with what happened.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** So you _did_ do things you were uncomfortable with just to fit in

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Essentially, yes.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** But it was beneficial, and I was always cautious and aware. When people propositioned me for hookups, I politely turned them down. I never drank too much, I never used drugs (although, I would pretend that I had).

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** The incident at the casino inspired me to change. I stopped being reckless and stopped letting society, and ‘socially acceptable’ things, dictate my life. I left CalTech altogether because I didn’t want to expose myself to that environment again and do something else possibly worse than the casino incident and have it damage either my education or my mental state.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** When I went to New England, I felt the biggest weight lift off of my shoulders. I was strictly education-focused, and I didn’t feel like I had to do things I never really wanted to just to be liked anymore. People appreciated me for me, and I felt genuinely happy for the first time in years.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid you shouldnt have to do any of that in the first place, youre great the way you are and I’m sure there are people out there who will care about you and appreciate the real you regardless of your circumstances. I know I do.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Thanks, Morgan.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Coming to the BAU after MIT... admittedly, it reignited that fiery ball of dread, and I again felt overwhelmed and like I had to do certain things in order to make all of you like me. I still do, I still have some issues with overcompensation here that I’m trying my best to work on. But no matter what, I don’t... think I’ll ever truly shed the urge to try and be liked by everyone.

_~~**Dr. Spencer Reid:** Especially by you.~~ _

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Once again: you _don’t_ need to do that Reid. We _do_ like you. We _value_ you and your spewing of facts more than anything. We wouldn’t have such a high success rate if it weren’t for my Baby Girl but also if it weren’t for _you._ We’d be completely _screwed_ without you. Period.

 **Derek Morgan:** And let me tell you something: I’ve given into peer pressure too and it damn near cost me my life. I joked in the other chat about my dad dying but the truth is that after that happened I didn’t feel like life mattered anymore so I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I then had to do things I didn’t really want to do in order to get my life back on track, I’d rather not... delve, but ultimately they worked out for the best. I over compensate sometimes too. So if you think you’re alone in this then you couldn’t be the furthest from wrong Reid.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Wow, that’s really...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Inspirational? Motivational? Eyeopening?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...unexpected.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** In what way?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I had... truthfully, a shallow, one-dimensional viewpoint of you, that I now feel colossally terrible for.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** The “archetypal jock”?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Yeah.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Listen Reid I wasnt always a jock and truth be told I hate that term. I got my ass whooped all the time freshman year. But I grew, and things changed after that. I also wasnt an asshole to people unless it was necessary.

 **Derek Morgan:** All I’m saying is that we’re two different sides of the same coin which means if you ever need to talk to me about anything, even the stuff you think I cant relate to- I’m here.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Wow... thank you.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** No problem my guy. You’re a good friend and I’m lucky to have someone like you in my life.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...You too, man, you too.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Let’s go out.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Are you sure?

 **Derek Morgan:** You don’t have to if you don’t want to

 **Derek Morgan:** And you said yourself you dont want to veer into something bad again

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** A lot of time has passed since then, Morgan, I’m confident that nothing _too_ bad could happen. You’re right; I do need to get out and socialize more, and I need to stop running from my past.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** So, _let’s do it._

 

 **Derek Morgan:** If youre sure

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I’m _really_ sure.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ok. When would you like to do it?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Tomorrow.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Reid thats so soon

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I know.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I insist to you that I’m absolutely certain I can do this. I want to see what I’m capable of.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Okay. Tomorrow night at 9

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Sounds great to me.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Cool

 **Derek Morgan:** Oh yeah Reid there’s one more thing I need to ask you

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What is it?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** ...whose thumb was that?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Oh my _God. **NO.**_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** C’mon man I _need_ to know!! 😩😩 What kinda tricks was young Reid up to????

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No, no, no, no, _no_. _**Absolutely not.**_

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Man dont do this to me

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I am NOT talking about it, Morgan. I regret even showing that photo.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Tsk tsk. Okay dude.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** _Thank you_ very _much._

* * *

**Bureau Squadron**

_Today 6:12pm_

 

 **PG:** Attention all profilers: I got all the Official™️®️©️ pictures framed of everybody for headquarters!! Who wants to see??

 

 **JJ:** Me!!! Even though I’m not in any of them!! 🖐🖐🖐

 

 **Elle:** lets gooooo 💪💪

 

 **PG:** Group pics first!!

** PG:  **

** PG:  **

** PG:  **

 

 ** Elle:  ** YESSSSS

**Elle:** first off i look SO good i look like such a boss bitch and secondly REID IN THE BACKGROUND LMFAOOOO

 

**Derek Morgan:** Reid looks like he was asked to do the most badass pose he could think of and he picked the first one that popped into his head

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** 🙄 Thanks, guys. I tried. I _really_ did.

 

 **Elle:** can we talk about hotch's tie though like bro what were you thinking 🤦🏻♀️ someone call the fashion police

 

 **JJ:** And those shoes??? 🤢🤢

 

**Hotch: 🤷🏻♂️**

 

**PG:** Gideon looks like... I don't know what Gideon looks like but Gideon looks like _something_

 

**JJ:** A club bouncer that yells at 19 year old girls for getting into clubs with fake IDs and makes them cry their makeup off

 

**Elle:** the creepy and probably abusive stepdad

 

**Derek Morgan:** An unsub who's been killing for 30+ years undetected

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid:** The lead singer of a heavy metal band in his youth who's now retired.

 

 **PG:** YOU ARE ALL SO _RUTHLESS_!!! I can't with you all🤣🤣💀💀💀

 

**JJ:** Okay but Morgan, you look like the antagonist of a Bond-esque action film, and Hotch and Elle look like the two main protagonists who are in love

 

**Elle** : KFSDJAKJDSHFJSDS

**Elle:**  im not even going to bother with that last remark but girl i can whoop morgans ass WITHOUT hotch 

 

**Hotch:** ^ It's true. Better watch your back, Morgan.

 

**Derek Morgan:** Both of y'all are delusional

**Derek Morgan:**  And tbh Jayj I'm taking that as a compliment. Villains are the true heroes and sometimes they're sexier than the actual heroes themselves ;)

 

**PG:** Um, Ursula from The Little Mermaid much???

 

**Elle:** ngl you had to admit she was hot as vanessa

**Elle:**  yo ariel was such a moron tho like imagine giving up your voice for a _man_.........

 

 **JJ:**  Honestly I had the BIGGEST phase where I wanted red hair bc of Ariel LOL

 **JJ:** I begged my mom so many times to let me dye my hair bright red and she said no bc it was "too trashy"

 

 **PG:** I wanted to be Ariel so badly which kinda says a lot about how I view myself...

 

 **Elle:** i wanted to be vanessa which says a lot about ME sjfhskfjs

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Sooo we're talking about Disney movies now? OK

 

 **PG:** Yes we are. Deal with it😎

 

 **Elle:** red haired jj would be so _powerful_

 

 **PG:** I advocate for it!!

 

 **JJ:** Aw, guys... I'll think about it

 

 **Elle:** OR BLACK HAIRED JJ

 

 **PG:** YES!!!

 **PG:** In other news... I have everyone's individual photos that are keepsakes if you want!! Who wants to go first~?

 

 **Elle:** OOOH show mine first

 

 **PG:** Ask and ye shall receive! :D

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:** Elle you're beautiful as always!!

 

 **Elle:** i... am revolutionary

 **Elle:** can you tell i like leather jackets they make me look so dope

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Lookin' fly mama ;)

 

 **Elle:** thanks reject😘

 

 **Derek Morgan:** 😔

 **Derek Morgan:** Show mine Garcia

 

 **PG:** 😏 What's the magic word?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** *sigh* Babygirl, _please_ show me my pics

 

 **PG:** Comin' right up, hottie ;P

 

 **Elle:** i cant tell if "babygirl" or "please" is the magic word

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Get a room.

 

 **JJ:** _SPENCER!!!!!_

 

**Elle:**

 

**PG:**

 

 **Elle:** im losing my whole mind lmfao when did reid become so fucking BOLD💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 

 

 **Derek Morgan:** He won't say shit to me in real life though 🤔

 

 **Elle:** if reid could make the literal _mafia_  eat their own asses he can sure as hell do the same to YOU derek

 

 **JJ:** ^ Word!

 

 **PG:**  Stop it, I don't want my boys fighting :(

 **PG:** Anyways here are your pics, my love~

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:** Lookin' lovely, Chocolate thunder~~

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  Thx, babygirl. I look hunkalicious 😏

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Never, ever say that again. Please.

 

 **Elle:** eh looks decent i'll give it a 6.5/10

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Damn not even a 7???

 

 **Elle:** nope

 

 **Derek Morgan:** 😔

 

 **PG:** Reid it's your turn!!

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I know I'm bound to look ridiculous. Go ahead.

 

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:**

**PG:** Reid no offense but you weren't wrong :/ The sweater in the first pic is so cuddly tho!

 

 **Elle:** the first pic is cute but the last two...... reid you literally look like a fucking unsub im sjdfjskssksdjs what were you thinking

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  🤷

 

 **Derek Morgan:** He looks like he's about to drop the second greatest rap album of the century

 

 **Elle:** ...whats the first

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Illmatic

 

 **Elle:** .............

 **Elle:** holy shit that... is honestly disgusting goodbye derek you're blocked 

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Are you _serious????_

 

 **Elle:** you have the worst taste out of everybody in the bureau jfc

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** 'Illmatic' isn't _that_ bad...

 

 **Derek Morgan:** SEE? Reid gets it!

 

 **Elle:** holy shit reid are you for real

 **Elle:** you have a LOT to learn my dude

 

 **JJ:** I have no idea what's going on here I don't listen to rap

 **JJ:** Well I like Eminem but

 

 **PG:** Me either :/

 **PG:** I'm more surprised that _Reid_ listens to rap...

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I don't. Morgan made me sit through his entire 'Illmatic' CD when our car broke down on a case.

 

 **Elle:** oh so you _corrupted_ him with your bad taste thats fantastic morgan

 

 **JJ:** I feel like I'm witnessing a cat and dog fight I'm actually sobbing right now

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  That makes me wonder what kind of dog I'd be. A Rottweiler? A Dobermann Pinscher? Or how about a wolf?

 

 **Elle:** a chihuahua

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Okay now YOU'RE blocked that's disgusting😷

* * *

 

**Dr. Spencer Reid, JJ, PG**

_Today 7:09pm_

 

 **JJ:** I'm...

 

 **PG:** I KNOW????? Tom and Jerry much?

 

 **JJ:** Elle is sure as hell not Jerry

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Actually, she would be, because Jerry always ends up outfoxing Tom.

 

 **JJ:** Hotch _approving_ of all this and even spectating from the sidelines is something I still have trouble trying to process about this entire thing

 

 **PG:**  Our true colors really do show through text messages god this is the greatest and most accursed thing I've ever done

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** This whole evening has been very, very wild.

 

 **JJ:** Speak for yourself, Spence!! You're a good portion of the reason why it's been that way

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  With all sincerity, I didn't really think my past would be this big of a deal. I've been on this team for one year, seven months, and nineteen days, and I've been through a lot of riskier stuff here. The rest of the team, and most other people, likely have and likely will continue to go through more dangerous things than me.

 

 

 **PG:** Spencer I dont know if you know this but normal people dont typically have mob hits on them bc they used their genius brain to swindle a million dollars

 **PG:** And most people don't have genius brains, point blank

 

 **JJ:** ^ Yeah you're the last person that we would ever think to be capable of any of that tbh

 **JJ:** It's just... not like you at all

 **JJ:** That's what has us shocked/"making a big deal out of it"

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...Okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** ...I'm... I'm going to sleep early because I'm going out with Morgan tomorrow night. Enjoy yourselves at the football game and everywhere else you said you two would be.

**Dr. Spencer Reid has left the conversation.**

 

 **JJ:** ...

 **JJ:** Uh...

 **JJ:** What just happened?

 

 **PG** : ...Oh god

 **PG:** Oh no no no no no no no NO

 **PG:** My profiling skills are terrible but I think we just accidentally implied that he wasn't normal

 **PG:** I outright SAID he wasn't

 **PG:** I'm such a terrible person god I don't desrrve friends I fuck everythgin up why can't I shut up why can't I think benfore I speak

 

 **JJ:**  Penelope, it's okay, it's okay, you're not

 **JJ:** We both know we didn't mean it and Spence'll know that too, we just need to give him time to relax

* * *

 

**Derek Morgan, Dr. Spencer Reid**

_Today 7:16pm_

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  ...Are you still on for tomorrow night?

 

 **Derek Morgan:**  Of course, man. Why, is something wrong?

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** No.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I was just wondering.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Ok good, cuz there's something I gotta show you tomorrow

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** What is it?

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It's a _surprise,_ Reid.

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** Oh, well, okay.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I can't wait to see it.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It'll blow your _mind_ , trust me ;)

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:**  Oh, I'm trusting you, alright.

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** I'm going to go to bed, Morgan. Have a good night.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** It's... 7 o'clock Reid but alright

 **Derek Morgan:** You have a good night yourself. Sweet dreams

 

 **Dr. Spencer Reid:** You too. Bye.

 

 **Derek Morgan:** Bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit's finally becoming suspenseful and serious!! poor spencer I wonder what he's gonna do now :o
> 
> P.S. if you’ve seen the first episode of s14 you’ll recall that jj said her redskins date with reid wasn’t a date at all and reid wasn’t who she ended up going with, which explains why it’s switched up here. if you haven’t seen season 14, then my sincerest apologies for the spoiler LMAO


End file.
